The Lightning Awards Season 3 [IN SESSION]

Weapon or Game: The Comeback

Judged by Amy (daedaliaaan)

Category: I'm Not A Mary Sue

[ Author: JanaTale ]

Title (2/5): The title of your book is rather simple, but I fail to see its correlation with the plot. Especially since the summary doesn't exactly give both direct or indirect clues regarding the plot relates to a 'Weapon'. I also fail to see what part of the story refers to 'The Comeback', considering that this is the first book where the whole plot is being introduced from this point. When I first stumbled upon your book, 'The Comeback' gave me the idea that there has been a great story previous to this book and this is a continuation of sorts. This initial confusion leads me to suggest that naming a book 'The Comeback' might me bore suitable for a sequel rather than the first of a trilogy.

Summary (5/10): First, I will assess your use of language within the summary. There are noticeable mistakes in punctuation, especially in the use of commas. You have the habit of adding commas before the word 'and' in sentences that are not listing objects or have the need to link two independent clauses together. The sentence 'Jane Wolf is a student at Royal Academy, and was never like the other girls at her school' is as example for an unnecessary use of a comma before 'and'. This can easily be a single sentence without the comma and would sound better and have a more clear meaning. 'David, and Joe' can simply be 'David and Joe'. There are other multiple unnecessary usage of commas that I suggest you take another look at and review the punctuation mistakes. Aside punctuation mistakes, there are a few inconsistencies of past and present tenses. The mistakes are very few to the point that it could go unnoticed by average readers, however it is always good to have a consistent use of tense when writing to avoid confusion.

There is also a lack of variety in sentences – most of your sentences are very long when it could be broken down into separate sentences. This is also mostly due to the excessive use of commas within your sentences. I do think that having long sentences does create a certain professional feel to it which a lot of writers tends to want to put into their summary, but in this case, a variety of sentences would actually be able to create more intrigue for readers. Shorter sentences can be used to create a sense of mystery and suspense which can help build a sense of curiosity for your readers.

The last assessment will be the content of your summary. Your summary follows a nice structure of the intro-body-outro of the entirety of your plot. I think your plot has been nicely explained in your summary without spoiling too much of it. I don't have much to say about the content of your summary, honestly. Overall, it's very important for the summary to be well written because it is what gives the readers the first impression of your story. A summary with good content but poorly written in terms of structure can discourage readers from viewing your story.

Plot (10/25): I will be honest with you – your plot doesn't strike me as intriguing. When I read your summary beforehand, I was slightly interested with how the story will occur, but upon reading the next few chapters I was slightly disappointed. There were certain parts in many chapters that were quite predictable – such as Xavier's sudden attraction to Jane which contradicts his purpose of watching her and Jane's defeat when she was playing for Royal Academy – which made the story less interesting in terms of building the feeling of anticipation of what comes next for the readers.