The Lightning Awards Season 3 [IN SESSION]

The White Wolf

Judged by Dawn (animatix07)

Category: General

[ Author: Inazuma_Yoshi]

Title: 1/5: I am going to critic your title according to the following standards: (1) Word choice; and (2) Relevance to the focus of the story.

First, I want to assure you that there is no problem using a language in the title that differs with the language you used in the story. This is because there are words in a language that cannot be exactly translated in another and needs a phrase or a sentence to do so. And, also, your characters are Japanese, to be fair. However, Shiroi Ookami and Aliea Gakuen don't say much. Although at first, I find it that only the nouns are Japanese, which could be acceptable because they are proper nouns, but it just doesn't work. The amount of English and Japanese words is unbalanced, making it a little messy. Use only one language. It could be Japanese or English, but just one.

Second, I want to talk about the relation of the title to the story. The first point I want to make is the focus. A purpose of a title, although this definition is quite controversial, is to give a hint what the story is all about. Also, a title carries the underlying theme of the story, or sometimes a significant event. The only thing you need to remember in a title is that it should be heavy—it should carry a lot of meaning other than telling what happens in a story. In the case of your title, however, it does not say much. In fact, the revival of Aliea Gakuen is not even the focus of your story. The focus of your story is only a certain group of students in Aliea Gakuen, not the whole school itself, not even its revival (at least, that's how it looked like to me). You placed the noun Aliea Gakuen there, which is, in a sense, collective. Therefore you should include other things in Aliea Gakuen outside of your focus characters. Include the system, the society's acceptance towards the school, perhaps some problems that they only have little students because most parents are afraid of the school because of its history.

If that's not the focus you want, then consider changing the title altogether.

Aside from the fact that it doesn't say much, it also says about something which isn't even in the story—the Shiroi Ookami. The White Wolf. This particular detail never made its appearance until the story is almost done. There's no problem with that, but including it in the title gives it a sense of importance. The story didn't give it any. I understand that he may appear in a sequel, but if the Shiroi Ookami is not really important in this book, do not make it look like one. Because, I have to warn you, it cheats the readers. Remove it, if you must.

Summary: 3/10: First of all, I like how your summary is short and engaging. It tells readers who the characters are, the event connected to the conflict, and a hint of the said conflict in a thrilling, mysterious tone. It has potential. However, the biggest problem is this: the characters mentioned are not the main characters, the event is not a significant event, and the conflict is not the real conflict. In other words, the problem of your summary is its tendency to mislead. Your main characters are the Aliea Gakuen kids, mention them in your summary. By first mentioning Endou and the Inazuma Japan team, it gives the impression that the whole story will focus on them as the main characters. But they only appeared twice in two different chapters, both are at the beginning of the story. The rest did not leave its focus on the Aliea Gakuen and Ohisama En.