The Lightning Awards Season 3 [IN SESSION]

The Price of Ignorance

Judged by Mary Seph (ArimaMary)

Category: Simple Is Best

[ Author: Irisviel101]

>Title 4/5: "The Price of Ignorance" is a very interesting title while not as astounding as it could be. My first impression was of hesitation because the cover didn't match the seriousness and importance of the title, nevertheless, the title encapsulates the story and theme really well to the point of being a recurrent phrase that entrances the reader.

>Plot 22/25: The story is heavily reliant on introspection and flashbacks, the plot being explaning the events that led Gouenji to the place is standing. The heart-wrenching twists were shocking because it was an AU. It was engaging overall and hard to predict. I couldn't help but reluctantly agree that Gouenji indeed became the one that gave Fubuki the last push despite the latter's relationship Someoka being more intimate; I was slapped in the face and I painfully accepted it. Bringing up this fact made the story much more tragic. I like how it's all so subtle: the theme of abuse and Fubuki's end. It's a story about loss and regret through and through. However, yes, there are enough details to keep the readers engaged, but it can be better, more grounded in reality if the narrator allows it. For example, as I reread, I realized the only piece of dialogue wasn't set in any specific time. When did that take place? At first I thought it was the beginning of Fubuki's hell, but now I am not sure.

>Characterization 16/20: Gouenji's characterization is among the best I have seen. His mourning and regret feels realistic and in-character, not a hint of self-pity but guilt and regret, just like how he internalized what happened to Yuuka. The glimpses of Fubuki's actions were rather believable as well: asking for help, his smile. Unfortunately, I can't give you full points because most of the characterization was indirect, Fubuki's in particular. Gouenji wasn't an active character; he was a narrator. The plot and the tragedy kept it engaging, and the theme was delivered in a way the only thing that needed to carry it were the flashbacks. And it worked. The narrator didn't have much solid exposition of their characters to have a clear image of Gouenji and Fubuki; this comes back to the story not being grounded to a setting. Personally, this is a matter of personal taste so take this as a commentary rather than critisism. And as I will expand in Feels Factor, I found odd Gouenji compared Fubuki to a toy, as it seems the story is told from an older self. This metaphor is crucial to the message so it has to be credible for it to be believable.

>Grammar and Writing Style 13/15: There's very little to say here. You got the basics covered! There's some words here and there that should be singular instead of plural, minor mistakes that I am not taking into account on the score but feel the need to at least mention it. Now, onto the feedback. For starters, I believe the hook can be more gripping. There is a disconnection between it and the next paragraph which gives an image and actually kicks off the story. I am not saying the line is bad, in fact, I recommend you move it somewhere else. One option you can take to improve the beginning is to remove the current hook (erase or move, your choice) and start with the image. It will give an immediate sense of mystery over the events surrounding the present situation which is currently delayed. The most important thing to note here is that Gouenji himself wasn't properly addressed inside the story many times. So, at some instances, pinpointing the subject in a sentence was a challenge as they were vague, too many [he]'s. Specify when the subject changes, when it has to be clarified, and when you have mentioned more than one previously. For example, "But they didn't know, didn't understand what he was going through. After guiding him through the darkness, after showing him the path he needed to take, he had chosen to ignore him afterwards." Edited would be: "But [his friends] didn't know, didn't understand what [Gouenji] was going through. After guiding [Fubuki] through the darkness, after showing him the path he needed to take, [Gouenji] had chosen to ignore him afterwards." This is one option of course. Play around and make it clear who is the story refering to. Same with the plural subjects, who are "they"?

>Originality 8/10: A particular fic with Gouenji and Fubuki with tragedy at its center comes to mind after reading this piece. The plot is fairly straightforward but originality isn't what makes this piece stand out.

>Feels Factor 13/15: I have a big recommendation for you. As the title kept repeating, it began to lost its impact, slowing down the emotional investment on the story. I recommend you use it as a punchline at the end or in the middle and go full blown angst from there. The emotion and pain felt real, and I was honestly surprised with its quality. As I mentioned in Plot, some flashbacks lacked details and settings. I understand Gouenji now feels a dull pain because of the years and his emotional maturity but it would be a step up if you manage to inserts some similes and metaphors to make the pain more relatable. The toy metaphor was effective but I believe comparing Fubuki to an object is rather dehumanizing and it wasn't explained why it was specifically chosen. Gouenji is much more mature after all.

[Raw] 76/90 [Final] 84.4%

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