The Lightning Awards Season 3 [IN SESSION]

Epistolary

Judged by C.C. Lyn (SoarLikeTheWind)

Category: I'm No A Mary Sue

[ Author: daedaliaaan ]

Title (4/5): "Epistolary" (stylized as "epistolary.") is a story exactly as stated: a novel written in the form of letters. While I find the aesthetic decision of the title suitable, a general perspective may consider it lacking in depth. The title could be more powerful and still retain its poetic appeal if you had chosen a meaningful phrase or line instead. However, I do strongly want to commend the chapter titles for their individual beauty and synergy, so I have awarded an extra point here.

Summary (9/10): To be honest, I am quite conflicted about how to address this category because your story lacks a conventional synopsis, but entries beside Simple is Best submissions require a summary score and critique. Initially I was going to reluctantly give a lower score for its inadequate length, but then I reasoned someone who can convey the same message in such a boldly small quantity of words deserves a louder applause; the two simple lines present this story elegantly by providing the context and offering a preview of your distinct voice. There is no grammatical corrections I can make, nor any suggestions I find appropriate to bring up beside the substitution of the first two periods for commas to make it a complete sentence, but that is merely a stylistic option. Still, I gave the summary an imperfect score because it lacks a potent hooking effect, which is somewhat excused by its briskness.

Plot (20/25) -> [16/20]: I want to say an early disclaimer that I definitely am not discouraging you from the current progression of the story. I think all the choices so far have been tastefully selected and contributory to the overarching theme. But if I take a step back, I can see, with absolutely no intended offense, that the mundane plot is limping along with your writing as its crutch. This book would not be close to being as interesting as it is if your writing was any less stirring. The novelty has also started wearing off and becoming stagnant. Perhaps it would be good idea to move the story along. It is great that you acknowledge the current state of the plot yourself. I am curious to learn how the heroine's relationship developed into its present state.

Characterization (18/20) -> [13.5/15]: First off, I'd like to tell you that you are the only author whose works I've read that has never depicted him out of character. You also managed to convince me that self inserts can be well executed. It is one of the most unique thing about your story beside its style, in my opinion. Self inserts known for being shallow but the small cast of characters is definitely working in your favor; the story feels much more personal without minor characters who would need to be caricaturized in order to find distinguishable niches. Keep working on adding layers to Amy's and Gouenji's personalities, and you'll have yourself a winning couple. They're both on the right track, just somewhat stock at the moment, of which the plot's progression is somewhat responsible for. I can't help but wonder how you plan to explore Gouenji's psyche without switching perspectives, based on my impression that the entire book will be comprised of Amy's entries. His exposition will also be crucial if Amy and Gouenji are to remain perfectly balanced as they presently are.

Grammar and Writing Style (14/15): Grammar mistakes are virtually undetectable, and the unique, first person present tense submerges the audience in Amy's tragic epistolary. I am convinced that you have found a style to distinguish yourself from others, however I would suggest pursuing greater consistency, as the approximate ratio of poetic depictions to colloquial narrative is noticeably varied in certain chapters. While the transitions are not distracting in itself, this is an observation I made while rereading the book in one sitting. Perhaps it has something to do with how far removed your updates are from each other, which could hinder you from realizing it yourself.

Originality (8/10) -> [4/5]: The reason why you did not score very high in this category is that the story's basis is not very innovative. I am sure that a breakup with Gouenji has been done before. That being said, this cliche is well executed in that it is not detrimental to the book's entertainment value.

Feels Factor (14/15): The book has not made me cry yet, but it is really close. Your writing just evokes so much pity from me. I think it can be even better if you incorporate the advice I gave in Grammar and Writing Style. Another critique I have to offer is to close the distance between Amy and the scenes depicted in her epistolary, since she is sometimes still somewhat removed from the plot in engaging moments. This can be done by trimming sentences to make them more active. Lastly, a stronger continuation of themes between chapters will help carry the emotional tone.

🅞🅒 🅡🅔🅥🅘🅔🅦 -> [➊➌.➑/➊➎]

Name (5/5): Points for choosing a realistic name that does not repeat any canon character's dub name.

Appearance (7/8): Amy Jackson is a wallflower whose plain appearance complements her personality, but her physical design doesn't quite follow the style of other characters, in the sense that I can pick her out in a lineup of canon characters. I understand that Amy is a self insert, but her appearance seems to be too normal among the cast of Inazuma Eleven, even if you did write the setting more realistically than the original depicted it.
Personality (9/10): Amy has a solid personality that is well expressed through a balanced combination of character interactions and introspection. I look forward to a greater exploration of her character as the variety of events she experiences expands. I want a glimpse into the most fortified chambers of Amy's mind and heart as the book reaches its climax. You have a good grasp on pathos; use it to your advantage to write scenes that relate Amy to your reader.

Strengths and Weaknesses (10/12): Amy's weaknesses make her a great social foil to Gouenji. Her insecurities are well justified, but occasionally I find them exaggerated in the sense that they are not shallow, but rather, predictable. Nevertheless, she will also need to express more of her strengths or risk becoming an anti-Sue. Remember that strengths can come in all forms, and the lack of conventional strengths does not necessarily make "safe" characters. I will elaborate on this a little more when I discuss Amy's relationship with Gouenji later. Just don't be afraid to give Amy more credit.

Interaction with Canon (10/10): I am under the impression that this story takes place after canon events, possibly in AU, which leaves the canon untouched for speculation or ignorance. It might be interesting if you reference a canon event or the alternative AU event in the future to confirm one or the other though, but it is fine as is as well.

Relationships with Canon Characters (5/5): Something that I appreciate about Amy is how the only relationship she fosters with any canon character is with Gouenji. Usually I would recommend authors incorporate their OCs into the canon better by giving them other relationships, but this choice seems to be more appropriate for the particular narrative setting. While you've romanticized Amy and Gouenji's dynamics well, be careful not to pigeonhole them into the trope of the popular-jock-requiting-the-affection-of-the-nerd-who-was-beautiful-all-along, even if I must admit I'm a sucker for their relationship so far despite rarely being a fan of chicklit. I am not very worried though, as the premise of the story already promises aversion from that perfect fantasy with some sort of tragedy. Now what that tragedy is reminds me of Shakespearean plays in which the audience already knows the outcome, but is nevertheless tantalized by the unfolding mystery of how it became that way. That, I think, is the strongest driving force of this story. Just who are these characters and what happened to them? I am sure I won't be the only one wanting answers from you...or shall I say Amy?

Total: [Raw] 87/100 + 46/50 [Scaled] 88.3%

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