The Lightning Awards Season 3 [IN SESSION]

Louder than Thunder

Judged by Lyn (SoarLikeTheWind)

Category: I'm Not A Mary Sue

[ Author: Beneath_the_Trees ]

Title (5/5): "Louder Than Thunder" evokes a powerful mood. While the phrase is not referenced in the book*, I like to think that it alludes to how Yoru and Fubuki's relationship overcomes their individual conflicts--it being figuratively louder than thunder, which Fubuki has a phobia of due to his traumatic past. Yay for unique chapter titles! They always add a little extra something to my reading experience. 

Summary (8/10): Establishing the reader's first impression of an original character as someone who is not normal is a risky move because many original characters who are pushed by the narrative as "not like others" are unpleasant and/or overpowered. Yoru does not come off as pretentious in his introduction in the summary, but I wanted to mention this point because it did worry me when I first started reading the book. Your summary does its job because it clearly addresses the main topic of the work: a healing romance between Fubuki and Yoru. But while it is adequate, the structure, language, and exposition do not pull me in. Note that semicolons should connect two complete clauses; "more together than they had been before" is an incomplete clause because it cannot stand on its own as a proper sentence. The previous sentence is an example of how the semicolon should be used. While incomplete clauses may be presented as sentences in literature, punctuation still follows proper grammar conventions. 

Plot (25/25) -> [20/20]: Most entries I receive are incomplete books (this one included) but it was so satisfying to finally read a complete narrative arc. It's clear that you use the existing canon as a template which help make the plot one of the strongest points of the book, but this does not discredit the admirable time you have spent working on the story's impressive development. Subplots, specifically Fubuki's, Yoru's, and their influence on one another are interwoven delicately with the main plot. I was excited when Yoru reunited with Oumihara. The pacing feels dragged out sometimes and makes me antsy but the climax and resolution in particular are well done. I will elaborate on the issue of pacing in the following sections. 

Characterization (18/20) -> [13.5/15]: I appreciate how you take care to discuss the observable and chronic effects of Yoru's injury. Most of the characterization is executed through dialogue and actions, a prime instance being the subtle expression of Okinawa's coach's guilt in chapter twenty-two. Watanabe came across too much as a caricature in my opinion, but Yoru's response to being triggered by Watanabe was compelling enough to dismiss the holes in the audience's understanding of their conflict. Dialogue is natural but often excessive; picking and choosing dialogue will discourage your audience from skimming. I noted a lack of physical descriptions beside Fubuki's, which felt inconsistent to me as a reader given Yoru's good eyes. The audience will be able to visualize the characters better if you took the same detailed approach to other characters within the novel. The maturity difference that was portrayed between Shiro and Atsuya is great, and I also like how the narrative made peace with Fubuki's identity in the end.