Anathema

nineteen - i'm so afraid

"I have to tell you about someone today."

Why did he say that? He didn't want to, not yet. He didn't know what he'd say. This was only his fourth visit. He didn't know if he trusted her enough to tell her about Josh.

"Your other friend?" Dr. Ann asked.

He shook his head and squeezed the green pillow tighter. "No, someone else. My friend, but he's not here right now."

"You better not say anything embarrassing," Nico muttered.

Tyler turned a little to show Dr. Ann that he wasn't talking to her. "I'll try not to."

The therapist's eyes flickered to the door, where Nico was standing. "Which one are you talking to?" she asked. "If you can tell me."

"The other one," he said. It was still weird to talk to his friends while other people were in the room, but it felt better with Dr. Ann, since she didn't treat him like a freak. He was learning to trust her, and trusting someone felt better than keeping everything contained.

"The one you can't tell me about yet."

"Yeah."

"Don't trust her," Nico muttered under his breath.

They fell into a stiff silence. Tyler never liked the silence here. It was an alarm, blaring in his ears constantly even though he couldn't hear anything.

"You were going to tell me about someone else?" Dr. Ann finally prompted.

"Oh." Tyler hugged the pillow closer and stared intently at a piece of carpet that stuck up above the others. "I have to tell you, I think. But I'm scared."

"Why are you scared?" She asked it in a way that sounded analytical - like she wasn't criticizing his fear, even though it sounded stupid when he said it out loud. She wanted to help him figure it out. He liked that.

"I don't know," he said.

"Is it because they threatened you?"

His eyes flickered to Nico. "No."

"They won't like you for telling me?"

"No. He gave me permission to talk to you about him, but I'm still scared."

"Are you scared of how I'll react?"

"Maybe. Or maybe it's because..." His voice trailed off as he thought hard. Analyzing his feelings was difficult. "Because I'm scared of reality."

"And why's that?"

Tyler dropped his voice to barely a whisper, fighting back tears. "I'm terrified he's not real."

Dr. Ann just blinked in surprise. "I think that's a very valid reason to be scared. You said you knew your two friends weren't real - one of them is Clancy, right? How did you figure it out?"

"I knew Clancy was imaginary the moment I created him," Tyler said softly. "I can't remember what it was like back then. I was four or five. I just remember talking to him for hours and I remember my parents' enthusiasm for a while, until they told me I was too old for imaginary friends."

He didn't like this. He didn't like telling her about his problem. He'd bottled it up for so long, he'd thought he might burst, but now that he had the chance to explain it, it got stuck in the neck and he was afraid.

"And Ni - the other one," he said quickly, catching himself before Nico could yell at him. "I thought he was a normal friend who talked to me at practice, but then I brought him home to introduce him to Mom and she...she..." His voice didn't come out. It stayed stuck in his throat. Thankfully, he didn't cry. He didn't want to embarrass himself in front of her. He looked up to where the closet was open just slightly, and saw a bag of suckers. "Can I have a sucker?" he asked suddenly, surprising himself.