Anathema

twenty nine - i'll stay awake

Tyler hadn't realized how much his sleepless nights would affect his health, both physically and emotionally. After only two nights, he felt like a zombie. He refused to sit down, afraid that he'd fall asleep if he relaxed even slightly, and always paced his room back and forth until he started to leave a path of scuffed carpet where he constantly walked. He didn't eat, choosing instead to drink coffee or tea or sometimes an energy drink to keep himself awake. But the worst part was that he was extremely emotionally unstable. He couldn't stop thinking about Josh and how much he must have hurt him. He was upset more often than not. Every little thing set him off or made him cry, and he was sick of it.

"Tyler, it's time for your appointment with Dr. Rothlesberger," his mother called, knocking on his door.

"I don't want to go," he said.

"I'm sorry, but you have to."

"No," he snapped, pacing faster until he nearly fell over at every turn. "I'm not going."

"But she's nice," Clancy mumbled from the corner where he was hiding.

"You usually like your appointments with Dr. Rothlesberger," she said.

"I don't want to go!" He hit the door violently as he passed it, and he heard her jump in surprise.

"Tyler, is something wrong?" she asked, her voice much softer now.

"Nothing's wrong," he insisted - he lied, and his stomach twisted with guilt.

Everything was so wrong.

"Maybe if you'd just listened to me when I said Josh wasn't real -" Nico started.

"Shut up, Nico!" Tyler snapped, jabbing his finger at him.

"Tyler, may I come in?" His mother opened the door just a crack, but he still jumped across the room with a shriek of surprise.

"No! Go away!"

"Please talk to me."

Tyler felt his eyes fill up with tears. He ordered himself to stop, and managed to wipe them away before they spilled. "I don't want to go to Dr. Ann's." He glanced at Clancy and sighed in frustration, rubbing his eyes again. "But fine. I'll go. Then I don't want to talk anymore."

He pulled open the door and she blinked in surprise when she saw him. "Tyler, you look exhausted," she said.

"I know," he said. He passed her without looking up from the floor and nearly tripped down the stairs, barely catching the rail before he fell.

He couldn't remember the drive there or back, or anything that they talked about. He just remembered pinching his arm over and over to keep from drifting off while he was sitting on the couch. Dr. Ann asked him how he had done this week. He just mumbled some sorry excuse for an answer - and a dishonest answer, at that - and pinched his arm hard enough to make himself bleed.

Something about being tired. Nightmares. Josh. No sleep, always angry. Cold. Scared. Never wanting to come out of his room ever again. Disconnected words full of fear.

Nico said something, but he didn't know what it was. He didn't care, anyway. He just wanted to go home.

Why was he so tired after only thirty six hours? Or had it been forty eight? Or just forty? He didn't know how long it had been. He hadn't been sleeping well before, anyway. He should be used to this by now, and yet he felt absolutely miserable.

Before he knew it, he was back home, pacing back and forth until the sun went down, and then his eyes landed on the pocket knife sitting on his windowsill. Josh's knife. His beanie was sitting next to it where he'd put it after he'd found them both in the forest. He hadn't been back to the treehouse since then. Had it been a week, or longer? He couldn't think long enough to figure it out.