Anathema

thirty five - holding on to you

Tyler woke up slowly, peacefully, and blinked his eyes open dreamily. Warm golden sunlight spilled in through the cracks in the blinds, lighting the room with a soft yellow glow. Josh was still asleep, and he'd nestled his head under Tyler's chin and still held his hand and his wrist against his chest. Tyler had never been this close to anyone but his mother before. There was a beautiful sense of comfort and warmth that came as he lay there next to Josh, feeling his chest rise and fall as he breathed, and letting his fluffy pink hair tickle his face. 

Tyler slowly draped his arm over Josh, careful not to wake him up. He half expected him to flinch, but instead, Josh sighed softly in his sleep and shifted a little closer to him. He was so warm, and Tyler smiled in spite of himself. It was quiet and calm, and even though he could see his two imaginary friends, Clancy was still asleep and Nico was sulking in the corner. 

A few minutes later, Josh shifted slightly as he woke up, and then blinked almost in confusion and started to pull away. "Hi," he said awkwardly. 

"Good morning, sleeping beauty," Tyler said, smiling at him, and Josh blushed a little. 

"Morning."

"Way to be subtle about it," Nico grumbled. 

"About what?" Clancy mumbled, half asleep. 

"His stupid crush."

"Hey, thank you," Josh said softly. "For...everything. All of it."

"Of course," Tyler said. "Anything you need, let me know."

"You're the nicest person I've ever met." His voice cracked and he rubbed his thumb over Tyler's knuckles, and Tyler blushed, too.

"You make me feel like bumblebees," he blurted suddenly. 

"Are you kidding me?" Nico nearly shrieked, and Tyler almost flinched. 

"What does that mean?" Josh asked softly. 

"I like you," he said, the words tumbling out of his mouth like an avalanche. "I like you a lot. But not like - not like romantically, I - I think, more like platonically, like I want to always hold your hand and hug you and let you lean on my shoulder, and - and -"

And Josh started to cry. 

"What - what's wrong?" Tyler whispered. 

"No one's ever told me that before," Josh said, wiping his eyes and starting to laugh through his tears. "I guess I don't know how to take it. So many emotions, I just..." He laughed again, and Tyler giggled, too. "Wow, this is embarrassing."

"It's okay," Tyler said, but he was waiting for Josh to tell him that he liked him back, but he had a sinking feeling that he wouldn't get yes for an answer. 

There suddenly came a knock at the door, and they both froze. Josh immediately went rigid and tightened his grip on Tyler's hand.

"Tyler?" his mother called. "Are you awake?"

"Yeah," he answered, trying his best to sound like he just woke up.

"It's time for your appointment with Dr. Rothlesberger." The doorknob twisted, and his heart jumped. Josh flinched and tried to sink into his shoulders. 

"Don't come in!" Tyler shrieked in panic, and Josh flinched again. "I'm - I'm naked!"

"No, you're not," Clancy grumbled. 

"Bet he wishes he was," Nico muttered under his breath. 

"Nico!" Clancy's face turned tomato red, and so did Tyler's. 

"Well, hurry, please," his mother said. "We don't want to be late."

"Do you want to come with me?" Tyler asked Josh. "Dr. Ann is really nice. You'll like her."

He quickly shook his head. "I don't want anyone to see me like this."

And then Tyler noticed the massive bruise across his face, purple and red and swollen, making him squint one of his eyes more than normal. His face and arms were painted with fresh bruises, and Tyler wondered briefly why he hadn't noticed before. 

"Okay," he said, starting to pull the covers back. "You can stay here if you want. No one will come in. I'll be back probably in an hour and a half."

"Thanks," Josh said, smiling, but Tyler could see the fear in his eyes.

Without thinking, Tyler leaned forward and kissed his forehead, gently and quietly, like his mother did was he was scared. Instantly, Nico shrieked something, and Tyler jerked back, realizing what he'd just done. Josh's eyes were wide in surprise. "S-sorry," Tyler stuttered. "I just - um - sorry -"

"Do that again," he whispered, and Tyler paused. 

"What?"

"Do that again," Josh repeated, his wide coffee eyes fulled with complete awe. 

So Tyler cupped his face in his hands and kissed his forehead again, and Josh closed his eyes as a bright smile spread across his face. 

"Thank you," he said. "No one's...no one's ever done that before. It makes me feel..." He paused to think as they both sat up. "Like bumblebees," he declared, grinning at him like a proud child. 

Tyler blushed. "But only platonically, right?"

Josh shrugged. "I think so, but I don't know. I've never felt like this before." They both climbed out of Tyler's bed, and Josh fixed his beanie over his cotton candy hair. "Like, I don't want to have sex with you, if that's what you mean." He blinked in surprise, mostly at himself, and quickly corrected himself. "That escalated quickly, sorry."

"No, that's what I mean, too," Tyler said, feeling something almost like relief. "I love you so much, but not because I just want to kiss you or anything. I just want to always be around you and make you laugh and smile and hug you and be here for you when you're sad."

"Can I hug you now?" Josh asked. 

"Of course." 

Josh hugged him tightly, his arms around his waist and his face buried in his neck. He still smelled like spearmint cigarettes - he smelled like Josh. He was so warm, and his arms were so tight, like he was never going to let go. Tyler didn't think he'd ever smiled so big in his entire life.

...

"You had something you wanted to tell me," Dr. Ann said a few minutes after he'd sat down. 

Instantly, the good feeling vanished and Tyler shifted on the couch. "Oh," he said. "Um..." The cuts itched again as if he'd reminded them that they were supposed to hurt. "I...I got on some medication," he said slowly, cringing as though she knew that wasn't what he was going to say.

"Oh," she said, starting to smile. "Tyler, that's great."

He blinked in surprise. "It - it is?"

"Yes!" She grinned at him. "I was actually going to talk to your parents about that. I'm glad you got on something."

"You..." Tyler rubbed his wrist nervously. "You don't think I'm messed up or anything?"

"No, of course not!" The look in her eyes told him that she was telling the truth. She saw his doubting expression, and she shifted deliberately and folded her hands over her clipboard. "People who don't need medication rely on the chemicals the brain releases just as much as you do, but your brain doesn't release it right, so you need your medication to get you to the normal levels. So don't think that you're hiding behind your medication or that you're relying too much on this. This is pretty normal, Tyler. A lot of people have to take medication. You're not crazy or messed up. You're perfectly normal."

"I'm...I'm normal?" Tyler said, and then smiled a little. "Are you sure?"

"Yes," she said.

Tyler kept his eyes on the ground, but he couldn't keep from smiling. "Thank you."

"Is there anything else you needed to tell me?" she said.

"No," he said, and the cuts on his stomach tingled.