Anathema

thirty eight - i want to go away

The train station was enormous, and Tyler felt very, very small. He moved closer to Josh until they were almost stepping on each other, and stared at everything with wide eyes. There was a lingering sort of insignificance he felt here, drifting lazily through the air like dandelion fluff. Tyler decided he was an ant, and tried to remember what Dr. Ann had told him, but his mind was too occupied to focus.

"There's a train heading to Chicago in two hours," Josh said, pointing at a sign. "I think we have enough for tickets."

"Chicago is so far away," Tyler mumbled.

"It'll be perfect," Josh whispered.

They didn't buy the tickets right away. Instead, they wandered to the terminal and looked at the tracks while Josh studied the departure schedule.

Tyler stayed close to Josh, but lost sight of him once or twice as he became caught up in the suffocating enormousness of the station. Every person that touched him sent a zing through his whole body, like static shocks from his grandparents' old trampoline. He kept his arms tight around his waist, as if everyone could see what he'd done. They'd think I'm a freak. They'd think I'm a freak. Josh would think I'm a freak.

"There's another train to Chicago tomorrow," Nico said, reading through the departure list as he stood next to Josh. He was too close to his friend for comfort, and Tyler almost wanted to wedge himself in between them in case Nico got any ideas.

"We have to check in for the train in an hour," Josh said, turning to give Tyler a quick, frightened smile. "I'll grab the tickets."

"No!" Tyler and Clancy said simultaneously, and Tyler cringed. "I mean...I'm - I'm scared. Can we...wait another day? There's another train to Chicago that leaves tomorrow."

Josh wanted to protest, but he didn't say anything. He just looked at Tyler with sad Christmas coffee eyes, trying to understand. Trying to understand why he didn't want to leave. "Okay," he finally said. "Yeah, we can do that."

"Thank you," Tyler whispered. He reached for Josh's hand, but then hesitated. Josh was probably angry with him. Angry or hurt. That's all Tyler ever made anyone feel. He wrapped his hands around his stomach again and stared at the floor, and Clancy latched on to his arm. Tyler could feel his entire body shaking.

"Let's find a place to stay, then," Josh mumbled, and Tyler barely heard him over the roar of the crowds.

Tyler just nodded and followed him as he pushed through the crowds to the edge of the station, where there were some benches against the wall. They sat down again, but Tyler didn't scoot close. He left a good hand-width of space between them, and Josh noticed. He gave him a confused look, but then joined him in staring at the floor. Tyler didn't blame him. He'd be confused, too, since they'd been so close together for the entire day.

He wanted to explain. He really did. He just didn't know how. The bumblebees bumped around in his chest, confused and scared. There was a raincloud in his heart, soggy and ready to burst, and when it did, the bumblebees would drown. And for some reason, even Josh's sunshine smile couldn't make the clouds go away.

As the night fell, the crowds of people dispersed until there were only a few people lingering, sitting on benches across the huge room or gathering their things to leave. The lights were dim, the world was quiet, and Tyler's dark thoughts came out to play.

Near ten, Josh started to fall asleep. The guilt tearing at Tyler's heart made him shift closer and let him lean on his shoulder, and around eleven, he nodded off completely, and Tyler let him lay his head on his lap. He brushed his fingers through the tangles in Josh's cotton candy hair and tried to relax, but when he closed his eyes, he instantly saw the man in the forest, coming after him, calling his name. His eyes snapped open again as the breath caught in his throat. He couldn't sleep here. It was too dangerous. Anyone could easily grab them while they were both asleep, and they'd be helpless. Tyler would have to stay awake to protect Josh.