The things we can't control

August 5th

1:23 am

There's this curious feeling I get whenever I talk to you. It feels as though electricity is running through my veins, electricity that isn't painful. The ticklish yet very satisfying sensation settles in my stomach, then retreats to the tips of my fingers, the ones I press against this pen as I write words to you... words that you may not ever read.

I'm still trying to figure out if this mysterious feeling is lust, or possibly, love? I mean, I think I could be in love with you. But perhaps that tells me I'm not because I imagine love to be something you're sure about.

I imagine it must feel like a flame of passion and desire, and you know it's there because it's constantly burning inside you.

I'm sure that I love you. I'm just not sure if I'm in love with you. I mean, I'm not sure if I know what that feels like. Perhaps I'm thinking about it too much... I think I am. Fuck, why don't I ever... stop... thinking. Overthinking and day dreaming about scenarios that will never happen are the only things that keep me up all night.

I wonder if you're asleep right now or out with her... or maybe you're sleeping with her.

The thought of that stings but I'm too tired to care.

Do you remember when I called that one time at 2 AM and told you I couldn't fall asleep?

"Hmm, here's what you're gonna do." You told me. I smirked and nodded my head, "mhm?"

"Okay, close your eyes." I closed my eyes as you said. "Now think about nothing." You whispered and the serious tone of your voice made me chuckle. I opened my eyes and went back to staring at the ceiling, "we're always thinking about something."

"No no, literally think about nothing." You insisted, not sounding serious anymore. "Like... the word?" I questioned, playing a long with the joke. "Yeah, try it out. You never know right?" I could hear the amusement in your voice through the phone.

You stayed on the phone until I fell asleep.

Thank you for that.

2:15 am

You're my best friend. I'm just confused about the way I really feel. It doesn't matter though because you have a girlfriend and I know you love her. That's why I'm not letting myself fall in love with you. I can't let myself. You should know though, it's really hard not to fall for you.