The things we can't control

Chapter 5

        He was sitting there alone on a what looked like a really warm blanket. He was beautiful. The night was beautiful. I looked up at the few stars in the sky, it was also beautiful. Even if I had cancer and knew I was dying, life was still beautiful, and I wouldn't trade mine for any other. I smiled and felt nostalgic being in the park again. Under my arm was a warm blanket I've had since I was little; it was like my safety-blanket. 

As I was walking up to Dylan, he turned and caught my glance. I was planning on scaring him but he just had to have good ears. He sat facing the ocean. There were small rocks that he picked up and threw into the crashing waves. The moon was full tonight, it was beautiful. The ocean was another beautiful thing. If you thought about it, there were plenty of beautiful things in this world, but most of us would choose to focus on the terrible things. For example, my cancer and the pain it was causing me was terrible, and I could choose to focus on it or I could choose to focus on Dylan, the moon, waves, sky, trees, everything around that was beautiful. It was always a choice.

I sat down beside him and closed my eyes, absorbing everything around me. There was something amazing about using every sense to completely experience the world around you.

I listened to the sound of waves and distant city noises. 

I felt the wind on my face, softly caressing my pale skin. I wasn't super pale before though, that was something that came with being sick. The wind was cool but my sweater was enough to keep me warm. 

It smelled a bit like trees and wind. I inhaled through my nose and caught a recognizable scent of books and light cologne. Dylan usually smelt of books and light cologne, he read quite often, and his room was filled with books. I could never finish the books I started but I still loved reading. Being somewhere other than reality was always pleasant. 

There was nothing to physically taste in that moment. But in my mouth I tasted love, the love that crept up from my soul. It was strong and bittersweet. It was for him, but it was also for life. I learned how to love life for what it was. 

I finally opened my eyes and saw that Dylan was staring at me. It wasn't a creepy stare, it wasn't a stare that really meant anything either. It was just a plain, but somewhat thoughtful stare. 

"What?" I quietly asked as I stared back at him, with a very small smile etched onto my face. "Nothing." He replied, and then looked back at the ocean. "No tell me." I insisted. 

"Looking at you is like looking at art. You have a certain mystery behind your facial expressions, and you're intriguingly beautiful." I looked up at the stars and smiled. Dylan was pretty good with words. Like me, he'd used a lot of metaphors. "Well, thanks." I didn't know how else to respond, it took me by surprise.

"Art, to me, is anything that shows beauty." He said as he looked at the moon, at this point we were both lying down under the stars. "You couldn't be more right." I replied in the silence of the night.

He nodded his head and let out a quiet breath.

The sky was full of stars. The only constellation I saw and recognized was the Big Dipper. The rest of the sky looked like specks of white paint splattered onto a black canvas. The night was colder now, so I cuddled under my safety-blanket.

Crickets began to make their noises. The different sounds together sang a song you could hear if you really listened. The waves, the wind, the rustle of trees, the crickets, the city noises, and the quiet breathing of two adolescents put together made a song I enjoyed hearing. 

"Alice?" I heard him whisper. "Yeah Dyl?" 

He didn't speak for a few moments. 

"Do you ever wish you could freeze time?" He finally said. His hands were rested on his stomach as he lay on his back, looking at the stars. "Yes I wish that a lot." I answered, analyzing the sky. I did wish that a lot, I would freeze time to be with Dylan for as long as I wanted.

"I don't want you to die. I wish I could freeze time so you could live forever." I finally turned my head to look at him. "I wish I could too." I whispered and he looked at me too. "I don't know what I'm going to do when you're gone," he sighed. I glanced from one eye to another thinking about how to respond. It made me sad but I knew I had to be strong. "You're going to live," I smiled, looking back up. I didn't mean literally, because of course he was going to be alive. I meant that I didn't want my death to stop him from living like he would have if I was there, that he should live life knowing I found peace. 

"I can't live without you." He admitted. I sighed, trying to remain strong and happy but I really felt sad. "Yes, you can. You will live without me Dylan. It'll be painful at first but if the roles were switched, I'd realize that up there," I extended my full arm and pointed to the sky, "you wouldn't be in pain anymore. Wouldn't that make it easier to live?" I brought my arm back to my stomach.

He whispered, "You're right, it would." 

We got closer under the beautiful stars, it was nothing romantic. I rested my head on his chest and heard the steady thump of his heart that eventually put me to sleep.