The things we can't control

August 31st

2:17 pm

A puppy.

The surprise was a puppy.

I have no words.

Just tears.

No dog can ever replace Milo but this literally brought tears to my eyes. This puppy will be ours. So we have to think of a name we both like for her. But really, any name you choose I'd most likely be cool with so it doesn't matter. Unless of course you choose the name Crap, then there might be a problem. I know you wouldn't though, obviously.

I can't even put into words how wonderful you are. Not because you got me a puppy but because you're simply a wonderful human being.

...I'm so close to the bottom of the fall.

You know, the fall that will most likely break me.

The fall for you.

I'm trying to slow down but if anything I'm falling faster and faster. I thought I would be able to learn how to fly but the only thing that's flying is time. Time is flying by so fast and everything is just getting scarier. It feels like I'm on a roller coaster that has a gap somewhere along the tracks and the ride just keeps going, faster and faster. No matter what, the roller coaster will eventually reach that gap and that will be it, I'll be dead.

I want to tell you already. I mean I'm dying anyways, but I just don't want to ruin anything while I still have you. I would much rather die with you in my life than without you. Sometimes I feel like if I told you how I felt it would push you away. But that's stupid because I know you wouldn't let yourself be pushed away. I know that you want to have me in your life just as much as I want to have you in mine. I know that since you're such a wonderful person you wouldn't let my feelings ruin our friendship.

I am in love with you Dylan.

So I don't understand why I can't just tell you.

Sometimes I think about if you did feel the same and I told you. It would just make my heart break more because I know I won't be here for a lifetime. I wanted to watch you grow into an adult Dyl. I want to be able to see your smile forever. But I really have to stop thinking about all of those things because they won't even happen anymore.

It's so unfair.

I can't imagine being gone.

How will it feel?

Where will I go?

Will I be happy or will I miss you?

I have so many questions Dylan.

3:11 pm

I'm going to be starting chemo soon. But I don't really want to because I have no hope that it will actually help considering the size of my tumor. Plus, chemo will make my hair fall out. It's stupid but I don't want to die with no hair because that's just not me. Alice Garner is supposed to have hair. I don't want to die being someone who isn't me. I'm probably not making any sense at all. But it makes perfect sense to me. I want to die with my hair but I guess I don't really have much choice since you're making me start chemotherapy next week. You told me that hair can grow back but people can't come back after dying. I guess you're right.

Well I'm going to lose my hair for you, actually no, I'm doing this for me. So I can live. But I'm making you shave your head just so that I don't feel left out.

I'm kidding. Dylan for the record, I would never let you shave your head. I love your thick hair too much. I love running my fingers through it and the way you shake it out of your eyes.

5:40 pm

This notebook is running out of pages, and so is my life.