The things we can't control

Chapter 12

        We walked with his arm loosely around my shoulder and Sugar on her leash. My cheeks were still flaming from the embarrassment of the notebook which I was still holding, making damn sure to keep Dylan's name covered. I caught his eyes glance over it a few times, he was still super curious. I didn't want him to be. I felt utterly disgusting, the only thing on my mind was getting home and being able to shower.

As Dylan and I walked to the main desk to sign me out my eyes analyzed the back of a tall man talking to one of the desk workers. There was something so familiar about him.

It looked like — 

        Dad?

        The man turned around and just as I expected I was met with my fathers green eyes; the same shade as mine. It was weird seeing him at the hospital, I wondered if he came to see me. Honestly, I didn't think he cared because he was never around. I knew he was cheating on my mom too, he made it so obvious. The worst part was my mom knew herself, yet she continued to hang up his coat and kiss his cheek. I never understood why she would stay with a man who didn't love her; a man who treated her that way. He hurt her badly, and all he ever did was continue to hurt her. But she let him. My father was the reason my mother began smoking, she'd been depressed for a while now and took it all out on Ben and I because we were the only people ever around. 

Sometimes I could really say that I hated my parents. It sounded terrible, but the fact that my mother knew I had cancer and still hadn't visited or called made me hate her. She didn't care. All she cared about was a man who treated her terribly and stuff that could kill her, a damn cigarette and bottles of vodka. 

She didn't deserve to die, but she sure as hell didn't deserve to be our mother.

I must have zoned out for a little because when I snapped back to reality my father's arms were around me. I looked at Dylan who stood there with a confused expression on his face. He was as confused as I was. He knew that I pretty much hated my dad and I always talked about how the feeling was neutral. Seeing my dad hug me was definitely a surprise for him, it was a surprise for me too. 

"Uhh, dad. What are you doing?" I asked as I pushed myself out of the unwelcome hug. There was something different about him. He looked cleaner and he didn't smell like alcohol for once. "Ali-bug — I, I mean Alice, I know you hate me. I don't blame you, I haven't been a good father for six years. I mean, I haven't even been a father at all. I was an idiot, a drunk, and I regret —" I'd heard enough. "Yeah, save it dad. Actually, save it Andrew," I cut him off. He sighed but I didn't care to hear his response. It was probably some lie he went over a few times in the car anyway.

I walked away from him and quietly told Dylan I wanted to leave. He put his arm around me and we left the hospital. But I felt this certain sadness in my stomach as we walked towards Dylan's car. 

Part of me regretted storming away from him because all I ever wanted was to have my dad again. The one who would tuck me in and read me bedtime stories. He used to always call me Ali-bug. Him calling me that again brought back so many memories, but then I remembered everything he'd done to all of us, and how we lost our mom because of it. That's why I didn't want to hear anymore of the shit he was going to say.

Dylan clicked his car keys and the black SUV beeped twice. I looked back because of the little voice telling me that my dad would run after me. But he wasn't there, of course. Dylan and I got into the car and buckled our seat belts. He looked at me with a half smile. "You okay?" The sadness and confusion was probably very visible in my eyes. I sighed and glanced back towards the hospital one last time. This time I did see my dad standing there. He was pacing back and forth with his hands on the back of his head. "Yeah, I'm fine. I just want to go home." I answered, turning my attention to Dylan again. He twisted the keys and the engine started. "That's where I'm taking you." 

I felt like I ruined Dylan's mood without trying because he seemed a little sad. I could usually tell when he was sad. The car backed up and I closed my eyes as my head rested against the seat. I felt like crying for some reason. I couldn't stop thinking about my stupid father, and my stupid cancer. My stupid thoughts were interrupted by Dylan's voice, the only thing that wasn't stupid. "Alice, maybe he's changed." I still didn't open my eyes. Yes, that thought did occur to me. But I couldn't let go of the past six years of my life; growing up without a father and losing my mother because of him. 

I've had a harder life than most people thought, I just hid well. 

I opened my eyes and looked at him. His eyes were on the road but I could tell some of his attention was on me. I sighed again, "Maybe he has changed Dylan, but I still can't forgive him." 

Forgiveness was always a weakness of mine.

"I know, I know. You shouldn't either, forgiveness takes time." He genuinely told me. I looked out the window and saw the world pass by, everything was a blur. That was how I saw my life; a big blur. Then I looked back at Dylan and he wasn't a blur. He was the only thing that was clear in my life. 

"Have I ever thanked you?" I asked, breaking the silence. He looked at me for a moment and then looked back at the road ahead of him. "Thanked me for what?" He questioned my question. I felt tears well up behind my eyes, I was more emotional today. I wanted to thank him for saving me, because two years ago when he came into my life, everything changed. I felt real happiness for once. I felt like someone understood me, and he always listened. There was so much he did for me and sometimes I felt like I didn't do enough for him.

"Thanked you for doing so much for me." I breathed. 

A small smile formed on his face. "Oh," his smile grew bigger, "it's been a pleasure, and you've also done a lot for me." 

"Really?" 

"Yes, you let me in. You let me be your best friend. That's more than I thought I'd be, and I'm thankful for it." He answered, and a tear rolled down my cheek.

My dad broke my heart the day he walked out but Dylan managed to put it back together the day he walked in. 

My life was bittersweet, but with Dylan, it was just sweet.