The things we can't control

September 20th

7:25 am  

I've been feeling a lot better, happier. Maybe it's because I decided that I wasn't going to let myself be sad for the few months I have left. You're a huge part of why I'm feeling better though. School isn't bad either, most of my friends are being too sympathetic though. But I don't blame them, I just don't enjoy pity I guess. I just wish my cancer could hold off for like a year and 8 months, when our Senior prom will happen. I've decided that I'm going to use my education money to check off everything on my list. It's going to happen. I'm going to die happy. 

The first thing we're doing together is skydiving. Remember how much we talked about wanting to do it? Well we talked about it together and we're gonna do it next weekend so be prepared to be scared, aha that rhymes. My doctor told me he wouldn't recommend skydiving because of my cancer but I don't really care. At this point I just want to live life to the fullest and that's what I'm going to do, with you. I'm a natural rhymer.

I probably won't be writing in this notebook for a while Dylan. I'll be too busy being happy and having the best 6 months of my life. Oh and I don't think I'm even going to give you this anymore. Why? Because I'm going to tell you everything myself instead. Sometime before I die, when the right moment comes. 

I guess I seem like I'm okay with dying don't I? Well the truth is, I don't think I'm ever going to be okay with dying. I've just accepted death because I have to. Having this tumor grow inside my lungs wasn't my choice. But it's in my lungs and now I'm making a choice... I'm no longer going to let cancer take away the only happiness I have left in me, it's not much, but it's something.

I gotta get ready for school now, see you there. 

4:46 pm

Thank you Dylan, for everything man. I'm smiling right now, because I'm so happy to have met you before my time came. 

Falling for you never seems to end, but maybe my life will end before the it does. Then all I'll ever know is this love I feel for you, right now in this moment. I'll never know what having my heart broken by you would feel like. I don't know how I feel about that.