The things we can't control

Chapter 3

October 5th

Alice

        I took out a sharpie marker and wrote 'Dylan,' on the front of my brown notebook. I held the book in front of me and stared at it for a while. This book held everything; my feelings, thoughts, emotions, wishes, everything. I thought about giving it to Dylan. I thought about him reading it. But maybe this notebook was something he shouldn't see. What if he'd find it weird or dramatic? I don't know. I want to tell him personally instead and this notebook will simply be left behind when I die. Who knows what would happen to it, maybe he'd even find it. Maybe reading it after I was gone would be more meaningful, and give him something of me to hold onto. Or maybe it would just make him feel worse. I wish I knew.

I opened to an empty page, one of the last, and wrote something inside.

4:30 pm 

Skydiving with you was the most amazing thing I have ever done Dylan. You were like a bird, so free, effortlessly soaring. It was as if I was dreaming, and I wanted it to last forever. I'm in love with you, so in love it feels amazing but terrible at the same time. Completely bittersweet. It's like coffee, the taste of it grows on you. The bitter taste of this unrequited love grew on me. There's something so addicting about loving you and I just crave it more, and more. 

I closed the book and slipped it under my pillow. 

Dylan.

                          Dylan.

                 Dylan.

                                                                        Dylan. 

Dylan.

His name was scattered in my mind. It repeated over and over as if it were a tune I couldn't forget. I thought about his freckles and the way he stuttered while our fingers were locked, as we fell gracefully together. I thought about hearing the words "I'm in love with you Alice" and dying inside. Saying "I'm more in love with you Dylan" and meaning it. I'd been replaying the moment in my head since I got home; analyzing the change in his voice or the way I felt his hand tighten when he said "Alice I - I'm" and not knowing what to know anymore. I knew Dylan didn't feel the same way I did. I knew because he still loved Samantha. I knew because I didn't think a heart like his could ever love a heart like mine. But now I didn't know. Now I was confused. I didn't want to think he did when he didn't. In a way I didn't even want to know if he was in love with me, because of the cancer.

I was going to die and Dylan was going to stay. Dylan was staying, I was going. That's just how it was going to be. It didn't make my stomach feel good. 

I thought a whole lot for a while until I fell asleep. Dreaming about my wedding day with Dylan, I didn't want to wake up but the sound of my cell phone ringing did the job very well.

Half asleep, I answered the phone, "H- hello?" I rubbed my right eye. 

"I found the perfect place to stargaze. There is a note in your mailbox, meet me at that place tonight at 8:30 pm."  I recognized the voice in an instant. His voice was soft and warm. 

"I didn't think we were doing that tonight. But - but I'd love to." I replied, still sleepy.

He chuckled, "Did I wake you up? You sound like a zombie that is about to pass out."  I laughed at his response and started to feel more awake. "Yeah you did but it's okay at least you know how to make me laugh no matter how tired I am."

"Well, Alice. In that case you can always count on me to make you laugh no matter how tired you are."

Electricity ran through me and I sheepishly grinned. "I swear you're the funniest person I know."

"I appreciate you lying to spare my feelings, you know like a hundred people."

"Uh no, divide that by ten dude." I replied.

I could hear him laugh quietly, "Nah you know I'm right, anyways I'm gonna go watch some episodes of Community. I'll see you tonight."  I couldn't wait. "Great, I want you to catch up to where I am so we can talk about it."

"Aha, I'm trying."

"Goooood," I extended the word, "See you."

The line disconnected and I put a hand to my cheek. They were hot and most likely red.