The things we can't control

Chapter 8

October 9th

Dylan 

        I liked to look at the stars at night because they lit up the sky the same way she lit up my life. 

        Alice was still in the hospital, I missed her. Ever since she had been there it became impossible to concentrate in any of my classes. They didn't allow me to see her because it was restricted to family only for the first few days, but her family wasn't even visiting. Ben wasn't old enough to visit on his own, so she really had no one. I'm sorry Alice, I would be there if I could. I sat on the roof of my house and stared at the stars because they reminded me of her and the way she was always glowing. That night under the stars I would have kissed her, and deep down I knew she would have kissed me too. The thought made me smile. 

Slowly I fell asleep on the roof and revisited that night, this time she didn't lose her breath. She was okay. I kissed her and she kissed me. It was magical but it was only a dream.

The dream was better than the current reality of Alice being in the hospital and not being able to see her, so I didn't wake up. 

I took her hand and brought her up to her feet. She smiled as I twirled her with my arm. I loved the way her nose would scrunch up when she smiled. She hated it, but I loved it. Together we ran to the park, hand in hand. It was the first place we hung out. We jumped on the swings and swung as high as we could. Alice hadn't looked this happy in months. It was so refreshing to see her this way again and it made my heart feel warm remembering the days when she wasn't dying. I remembered when I first realized that I was in love with this girl. It was so sudden but so real. I just knew, y'know?

We jumped off the swings and went to sit by the old willow tree. Alice grabbed a sharp rock and placed it against the bark. She dug the sharp corner into the tree and wrote I'll love him forever, even when I'm gone. I took the rock from her hand and wrote something beneath hers, I'll always love her, and she'll never really be gone. She smiled at me and her golden hair shined so beautifully in the sun. 

"Dylan, I think I'm ready." She whispered out of the blue. But I really didn't want to hear those words. "I'm not Alice." I almost shouted because it was too hard for me to remain calm. "You should be ready, because I think I'm slipping away early." She remained so calm and I didn't understand how. "But it hasn't been six months yet, this isn't how it's supposed to be. Please, please don't slip away from me now." My voice cracked and I had a certain anger boiling up inside of me. 

I wasn't angry at her or at what she was saying, I was angry at life. "I'm not trying to slip away but I feel like I am and now I'm ready for it." She took my hand and rested her head on my shoulder.

I took a deep breath. I knew what I had to say. "Okay," I gulped, "if you're ready to go, then I'm ready to let you go." I was lying, I wasn't ready. She closed her eyes and squeezed my hand tighter. "Thank you." She whispered. 

Narrator

The electrocardiogram that measured the rate of Alice's heart slowed down. She was in some sort of trance and was quickly slipping away. The slow beating of her heart alarmed doctors to come into the room she was in. A tall man rushed in with three nurses. "We're losing her!" One of the nurses cried as she pulled out a tube that was to be used to pump air into Alice's lungs. The lady placed the tube in Alice's mouth. "Don't let your lungs give up sweetie." She told unconscious Alice as she pumped air into them. Her heartbeat slowed a little more. "I knew she shouldn't have quit chemo. This poor sixteen year old could have lived longer." The tall doctor spoke. It was obvious that he had no hope of Alice making it another thirty minutes. 

"No, we're not giving up on her." The nurse replied, still pumping air. 

Dylan

When she squeezed my hand I realized that I couldn't let her go yet.  

I wouldn't. "Alice," I whispered. But she didn't answer. I felt the grip of her hand loosen and it scared me. I thought this was only a dream but it felt so real. It felt as if she was really slipping away. Tears formed in my eyes and I held her on my lap. "Alice no please no I'm not ready, I was lying okay please hold on longer, please this is killing me." I was sobbing and spitting out words and I couldn't feel her bright energy with me anymore. "Alice I'm in love with you. Hold on for me at least, please." 

I cried with her in my arms. 

Her hand tightened. 

"I'm in love with you, Alice Garner." I said again through tears.

She gripped tighter once more.

"I'm in love with you." I shouted this time.

Then she was gone, she had disappeared from my dream. I was left sitting there alone with tears on my cheeks.