The things we can't control

Chapter 14

I knocked three loud times and heard my mom say 'shit' under her breath. There was a lot of indistinct movement coming from the room, "Dylan, is that you?" She called out. I was too angry to answer so I turned the knob and swung the door open.

Alice

"What are you gonna be for Halloween this year?" I asked my little brother, "It's in like three weeks." Mom still wasn't home, I was making pasta for us both.

"I'm gonna be a movie watcher." He replied, sitting at the table while I stirred noodles. "A what? Ben what's a movie watcher?"

"Someone who stays home and watches movies instead of trick-or-treating, duh." He answered, I couldn't believe my ears. An eight year old kid wanting to watch movies over getting free candy. "Seriously? Why don't you want to go out?" I asked. He got up and came closer to the stove but I gestured him to stand back. "Mom was acting different while you were gone, she didn't have one of those sticks in her mouth and she was paying attention to me. Alice, mom was smiling."

Mom was smiling? That's something I haven't seen in a long time.

"So you decided you're going to watch movies because mom is paying attention to you now? I'm still confused." I turned the heat for the stove down to six. Ben sat back down, "No we're going to watch movies together. She promised, she's gonna bring home candy and popcorn for us. She wants you to join. She was going through a hard time but she's really sorry for the way she treated us."

She was going through a hard time? What about her daughter who has cancer and hasn't had one medical bill paid by her own mother but has her best friend's mother offering to pay? I don't believe that her apology is sincere, I just don't.

I put the noodles in a drainer and turned to Ben who probably couldn't tell the difference between a lie and the truth yet. Our mom wasn't sorry. She was just sorry that she screwed it up for herself. It wasn't about us. But I looked at him and the happy face he wore stopped me from telling him, how could I? When I was his age I had both a loving mom and dad, but he grew up with a mother who didn't care and a father who was absent. How could I take this little happiness from him? I couldn't. I smiled and went over to Ben as the noodles cooled. "Well I'm glad you're excited." I told him.

"She said she's all better now, do you think she is?"

"Yeah, I think so." I lied.

Just as I handed him a bowl of pasta and a fork, our mom walked into the kitchen. Ben got up and ran to hug her, however I was not interested in even talking to her. I avoided looking at her and left the kitchen. "Hey Ben, go eat the food your sister made, it looks great." I heard her say. Maybe I was only angry that she payed attention to Ben while I was practically dying in the hospital. Maybe I was that selfish. 

I walked up the stairs and heard footsteps not far behind me. "Alice I want to talk to you." She said, and followed me up the stairs. Yeah, well you're late for wanting to talk to me. I stepped into my room and shut the door. "I really need to talk to you, it's killing me." And cancer is killing me but I have to deal with it.

My lungs were hurting again. The doctors said emotional pain and stress could add to it. "Alice Elizabeth Garner. Let me talk to you, let me talk to my daughter, please." 

"Who's speaking?" 

I heard a sigh and then some sniffling, before I knew it my mother was crying uncontrollably. "Don't do this, please let me in. I miss you Alice, you don't understand how much hate I have for myself." I heard the pain in her gasps for air. I got up and went to the door, when I opened it she fell to her knees and her head leaned against my knees. She cried, and cried, and I just looked at her from above. It made me sad, because her pain was so real.

I reached down and helped her stand up, "You're stronger than this." She fell into my arms and I decided to let her hug me, she needed it. "No, look at me, I'm a weak and terrible, terrible mother."

I always told myself she was a terrible mother, but I do remember how she was before dad started cheating. Even some days after that she was somewhat a good mom. But I was selfish, I didn't appreciate the times she did try, the times she tried to make things work with dad just so that Ben and I would be happy. God I was so selfish. She was hurting for a long time, and she took it out on us but she probably hated herself day after day for it.

I hugged her back, "You've been through a lot, you've been hurt by a man you love. I don't know how that feels but I bet it's one of the worst feelings in the world, I can only imagine." I told her and released the hug. 

She calmed down so I closed the door and we sat on my bed.

"Alice I hate myself for being scared and not going to see you in the hospital because I, my heart broke when I found out you were diagnosed. It broke, not only because you were my daughter but because to you I wasn't your mother. I couldn't sleep after I got that phone call, I kept going over the past, finding ways I could have saved you from this. But every morning I would wake up and you'd either be at the hospital or somewhere I wasn't, because you hated me, and every goddamn morning I remembered that I didn't save you."

I was speechless, my eyes were out of focus as I tried grasp what she told me. It was all too much.

"I should have visited you, I'm sorry. Part of why this has been so hard is because I blame myself. The guilt I've been living with eats me up inside, I stopped smoking ever since you were put in the hospital that day you almost- almost left, last Saturday. The guilt was enough for me to quit, it was still hard, but knowing I could lose my daughter when I didn't even have her was harder. So I told myself I would at least fix things with Ben. I did everything I could to be the mother I wasn't for eight years—"

"—I have to go." I cut her off, tears welling up behind my eyes. Her face saddened more than it already was, "Alice I'm not fi—" "—I, I have to go." I said again and walked out of the room. I left the house and cried as I walked down the driveway. Maybe I wanted to believe my mom wasn't sorry, because it was easier for me, and I wouldn't have to forgive her, or maybe I was too proud.  Maybe it scared me to be truly happy, and I didn't want a happy family after all. Maybe I wanted my life to be terrible so that it would be easier to leave it.

Too many maybe's. My mind was spinning but I kept walking down the street towards Dylan's house. My head was dropped when I bumped into a guy walking the opposite direction. His hands gently held my upper arms, "Alice? What's wrong are you okay?"