The things we can't control

Chapter 1

Alice

        "Are you sure you want to do this Alice? It's safe for you right?" Dylan asked with concern in his voice. We were at his house getting ready to go skydiving and honestly I couldn't have been more excited. Maybe the fear would hit me while standing at the door of the airplane. I would probably be terrified of jumping. But then I would look beside me and see him, and it would calm me down a little.

I gathered some things together and tossed it into a bag. "It's nice of you to be worried but trust me, I'll be fine. I just want to live a little." I replied with a smile, but something inside of me still dreaded the day I wouldn't exist anymore. It was hard for me to stay happy. It was really hard, but I kept trying, and I was managing, barely. Dylan sighed, the kind that sounded really sad. I didn't want my cancer to constantly ruin his happiness but every time I talked about anything to do with "living" or "life" he'd get sad. I hated seeing him that way. He looked at me with these eyes, these eyes that had so much emotion and mystery and I couldn't read them. I wondered what was going through his head. We were standing there silently and I was thinking about telling him everything but like a broken record, I didn't.

He threw his arms around me, and I hugged him back of course. Then he started crying and shaking as my head rested against his chest because of our height difference. My heart crumbled, he was never the type to show his feelings but recently he was more emotional and it made me realize how much he was crying inside that he had to let it out. 

His heart was broken by Samantha and his best friend was dying in six months. I was selfish to only think about my pain and what I was going through. But I wasn't going to be selfish anymore. I loved him so much it made me want to be selfless.

I let him cry and comforted him with my arms as best I could. "I don't want to lose you, I don't want you to go." He sobbed through his words. I tried staying strong for him but I couldn't help it, my eyes teared up. "Dylan I can't stand the thought of leaving you, it hurts more than the cancer. I wouldn't if I had a choice." The pain in my lungs was terrible, but I wasn't selfish anymore. I didn't know if Dylan would ever realize I was in love with him. All of me loved all of him, just like the song.

We didn't cry for much longer, but every time we had a moment like that I felt more connected to him emotionally. I'd known him for almost two years and it seemed short, but somehow in that amount of time I fell in love with the last person I thought I'd fall in love with. Love was unexpected, and a paradox. I didn't fall for Dylan on purpose, but falling for him had so much purpose. 

"I think we burnt the cookies again." Dylan said after we stopped crying. He laughed and smelled the air. It did smell like something was burnt. Both of our eyes widened and we darted downstairs together to his kitchen. We raced to see who got there first and of course, Dylan did. My lungs were too weak for running, but I used to be super fast and athletic. 

"You like black cookies?" Dylan joked holding a burnt cookie in front of me. I giggled and took the cookie from his hand, tossing it into the garbage. Then something happened. I got this look from Dylan that filled my stomach with butterflies. It was a moment, the kind of moment that felt like it ended with a kiss. God I wish. But in a few seconds the moment was gone. Of course, it could have been my imagination as I have quite a big one.

He quickly pulled his eyes away from mine and scratched the back of his neck. "Uhm we should go jump off a plane now don't you think?" He chuckled.

Or kiss.. I thought, still in a small trance.

"Yeah, I guess we should."