The things we can't control

August 30th

7:04 pm

You just left. I didn't think seeing you while I'm here in this bed would be so hard. Your hands were warm. And mine were so cold, they were probably uncomfortable to hold. Oh, I was going to tell you. I really was. But then Samantha walked in and started kissing you. Then she proceeded to say, "Oh gosh Alice this is so terrible! I can't believe you're dying." Like wow thanks for reminding me that I'm going to die. Her voice didn't even sound that sincere. But this notebook isn't supposed to be about Samantha, it's about you and my stupid feelings.

Samantha is okay. I'm not going to hate her because I love you and you love her. Loving someone is knowing there will be sacrifices to make.

I get to leave this place tomorrow. Man, I really can't wait to go home. I'll finally be able to see the "surprise" you've been talking about. I've actually been trying to guess what it could be but I'm terrible at guessing. Well, whatever it is I'll love it.

7:17 pm

Oh my gosh I'm laughing my butt off right now and I don't care if it hurts. I just opened the card Dylan. I didn't think you could make such a face and pose like that. You seriously never fail to cheer me up and the fact that you actually took this extremely funny photo just for the purpose of cheering me up makes you the most amazing person in the world. Well, you already were to me but still this made my night.

7:27 pm

I'm still laughing at this, you're such a diva sometimes. It's perfection. You look fabulous. I know you'd punch me if I told you that but seriously it's the truth.

8:49 pm

It's hurting more again. The pain works like Samantha does; sometimes okay but usually annoying. I'm sorry, I've been moodier. The pain is obviously way worse than Samantha.

Samantha is probably a decent person, I'm not close with her like you are so I wouldn't know. But I just haven't really forgiven her for hurting you. I know, I should try. Forgiveness is really one of my weaknesses.

11:58 pm

I still can't take this in...

I'm in shock again.

Nothing seems real.

Cancer. Me.

Cancer. Me.

I can't believe I got cancer. I can't believe I have cancer. I can't believe it's cancer. Cancer, I can't.

Oh god oh god I'm hyperventilating.

I blame my mom for smoking in front of me all my life.

No I don't blame anyone.

I have cancer so there's really no point.

What, I have cancer.

I have cancer?

What is cancer anyway...

Sigh.

12:32 am

Dylan I keep looking at this picture, it actually helps.