The Tommos (3)

The tears

Jay’s P.O.V

I woke up to the sound of crying. The boys had probably crashed or were hungry. I could never tell. Maybe it was the proof I needed to back up the fact that I was a terrible mother.

I made my way down the stairs and into the kitchen/living area where Louis was cuddling Nicholas while Connor was nowhere in sight.

“Where’s Connor?” I asked quietly, then noticing that Rebecca wasn’t here  either.

“Bec took him to play in another room cos well he wasn’t playing nicely.”

“Why were they playing in the kitchen anyway?”

“Well you see I was helping Bec with- “ but I cut him off.

“Don’t explain it, I wasn’t here so it doesn’t matter.” I took a few deep breaths to calm myself.

“Babe, are you sure?”

“Yeah just don’t worry about me” I said with a smile, I then went on a search for my other baby, who I found in the arms of Rebecca.

“Um what are you doing?” I asked rather roughly. She looked up at me startled.

“Here, I’ll take him.” I tried to cover up my anger. I leant over her and picked up my son, he seemed happy to see me, which was definitely a comfort.

“I’ll go and do my washing then.” She rushed out of the room.

“Bec” I heard Lou call out to her as she ran through the kitchen, I could then hear him coming to find me.

“Jay? What happened?” he asked, before resting Nick down in his cot.

“Nothing, I didn’t mean to sound harsh.” I said looking straight into his eyes.

“Did you want me to go and check on her?” he asked with disapproving looks in his face.

“Um, no here you take him and I’ll go.” I knew I had to be the one to apologise even though I didn’t mean to hurt her feelings.

“Rebecca?” I knocked on the laundry door; she didn’t look up so I came in anyway. I took a seat on the spare washing machine that sat beside the one she was using but still she wouldn’t look at me.

“Hey I’m sorry for snapping at you like that, I know you’re only trying to help out around here. I’ve been a terrible mother to those boys and I guess you’ve kind of been the one who’s looked after them and let’s just say I’m a little envious.”

“What” she then turned around to look at me.

“I’m so sorry.” I pleaded my case.

“Jay, you aren’t a terrible Mother, but you do doubt yourself a lot. You can hardly see how you’re hurting your husband because you’re too focused on yourself and your own insecurities to see how he wants to spend time with you but can’t!” she said firmly, I knew she was only trying to help but those words stung like knives, I could hardly cope to hold back my tears Maybe she was right and I was hurting Lou, I hadn’t meant to I was just so focused on fixing myself and forgotten everything else I was responsible for.

“I’m sorry.” I cried, this time with real tears.

“I know” she came then to cuddle me, I fell apart in her arms.

I needed help, but I was just too scared to ask for it.