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Fiona
Center City, Philadelphia

Almost every morning this week I've woken up throwing up. The nausea wares off fast, but it's a terrible start to every day. The past two day's haven't been too bad. I haven't thrown up but I've just felt a little sick and have had a loss of appetite. The only upside is that Nolan has been extra attentive to anything I want. He brings Starbucks to my dorm almost every day, which may a bad thing because I'm trying to hide this pregnancy, but a few hot chocolates can't hurt too much.

Today was my second appointment at the doctor's. Since last week's was so last-minute they asked to us to come back for some further tests and check-ups. Nolan and I drove to the office, parking and waiting for a bit in the lobby. When I heard my name called, we both stood up and we were led into the same room as last week.

"Good afternoon Mr. and Mrs. Patrick. How are you doing?" The nurse greeted.

I haven't gotten used to being called Mrs. Patrick, but I have no problem with it to say the least.

"I'm pretty good, morning sickness is tough though," I responded with a smile.

"Unfortunately, I can't promise that will go away anytime soon, but let's take a look at your baby."

She put the unbearably cold gel on my torso, placing the tool connected to the machine just below my belly button. She quickly began pressing buttons, looking a little closer before getting up and leaving the room.

"I'll just be a minute."

I laid my head back, looking up and Nolan and smiling. He unlaced our fingers and brushed his hand over my head, placing a kiss on my forehead.

Dr. Silver came into the room barely a minute later. He sat down, greeting us and picking up the transducer and looking at the image. He stayed quiet, pressing buttons and taking closer looks.

"Fiona, I'm so sorry, but I can't seem to find a heartbeat," Dr. Silver said to me.

My heart dropped. I felt tears swelling in my eyes, threatening to spill.

"Are you sure?" Nolan asked from beside me, his voice low and on the verge on breaking.

"I did everything I could to find it. I'm so sorry. Miscarriages are very common this early in pregnancy. This was most likely an inevitable miscarriage. I'm guessing a chromosomal abnormality or developmental issue. There is nothing either of you could have done to prevent this, just nature."

I didn't have any words. Nothing. I didn't know what to say, my brain couldn't form any thoughts. I heard Nolan sniffle from beside and looked over to see him wiping a sliding tear off of his cheek.

The whole car ride home I was just blankly staring at the passing cars and buildings. I didn't cry until we got back to his apartment. I was just in shock at the doctor's, but once I walked through the door, I broke down.

I slid down the wall of his living room, my head buried in my knees and my hands tangled in my hair. Nolan sat down next to me, pulling my into his chest and rubbing my back.

"It's not your fault. Like the doctor said, there's nothing we could have done. It's nature."

"But I was her mother. She was living in my body, I was supposed to keep her safe."

I found myself referring to the baby as her. Nolan had been doing it all week, so sure that it was a girl. He even looked up baby names, even though he was so set on Gianna.

I felt numb. I felt like I had failed as a mother and I hadn't even had baby. I had gone through break ups, lost grandparents, disappointed my parents, but nothing hurt like this. It was like someone had taken a sledgehammer right to my heart, just taking continuous blows at it.

"What did I do wrong? I didn't drink. I was careful to stay away from fish and other foods they don't recommend eating. I made sure to sleep right, to make sure she wasn't in distress. I didn't even drink coffee," I sobbed.

"Baby, you didn't do anything wrong. This has nothing to do with anything you could have done."

"But I feel like I let you down. You trusted me carrying your child and I couldn't take care of her. She died,"

My nose was blocked from the crying and my voice was little from sadness.

"You did everything you could. I love you just as much as I did this morning when I woke up next to you. Losing this baby does not mean you let me down. I love you more than anything, and nothing can change that."

——
this is sad. i'm sad. goodnight.

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