icebreaker | nolan patrick

29

Fiona
Center City, Philadelphia

Strolling into a cafe in the city, I'm met with Nolan's bright blue eyes. We decided that meeting in a public place would be the best idea, since we both know from experience that when we can't express our emotions well, we take another route. But that's illegal in public, fortunately.

"Hey," Nolan said, meeting me in line.

"Hey, how are you?" I asked, pulling him in for a hug.

He reluctantly embraced me as well, "I'm good, how are you?"

"Pretty good."

We sat silently in line for a few minutes. After ordering and receiving our drinks, we went to a table in the corner of the cafe and sat down.

Nolan sat across from me, biting his top lip and looking down at his coffee. I sighed. I knew this would be an awkward conversation, judging by our lack of communication for the past three years. Obviously, I knew him like the back of my hand, but he's changed so much.

"I'm just gonna say it," I spat out quickly, "I still love you. All I've done for the last three years is think about what would happen if I called you or if we bumped into each other. And we did. Nolan, what we had was real and it ended so terribly. You meant so much to me and just like that, it was gone. I felt so lost and heartbroken I didn't even know what I was doing with my life. I felt pathetic for it."

He looked at me, rarely blinking and giving me no facial hints at all.  He leaned over the table, his head falling between his arms.

"I've never been so fucking heartbroken in my life. You were always there for me and I kept fucking it up and—"

"Nolan, I'm not upset about that anymore. We were both confused and having trouble coping. I don't care anymore, I just want to figure this out."

"You should be upset. I was such an asshole and you always forgave me. I didn't deserve it," He said.

The pain laced in his words hurt me. What happened, happened. He can't go back in time. I got over it, I wish he could too.

"I forgave you because I love you. It was a slip up, Nol. We had just lost a fucking baby. You can't beat yourself up for that."

"That's all I've been doing for the past three years," Nolan's voice was quiet, I could tell her was about to cry and that's the last thing I want. The second he cries I'll be a mess.

"Well it stops now," I said demandingly, "You gave me the happiest moments of my life and we went through the sad ones together. I can't imagine myself with anyone else."

"I just don't know how I can ever stop feeling guilty about this. You were so good to me and I couldn't fucking realize it until I lost you."

We sat there for a good few minutes. Thinking and looking at each other, trying to read each other's mind and waiting for the other person to say something.

"Let's just start over," I proposed, looking at his face for a reaction, "We can forget all the shit that happened in the past a focus on what we can be now."

He stared at me like I had just murdered his puppy, "I could never forget those things. How am I supposed to forget all the times you just sat with me after I had a shitty game and comforted me? Or all the times I was cold to you and just waited outside the bathroom until I got over it? Or how you sat with me yelling at the TV while I rewatched our games? I could never forget that love you gave me."

"I'm talking about the fights, and the cheating, and the angry sex. We need to start over or you'll never forgive yourself and this will never work."

He agreed, calming down and finishing his coffee. I had finished mine in the previous awkward silence, not knowing what else to do.

"Can I drive you home?" Nolan asked.

My heart skipped a beat when he said that. I've got my Nolan back.

"I can call an Uber, I'm going to Maddie's anyway and its kinda far away."

He nodded, "Come to my game tonight?"

"I wouldn't miss it."

——

this might be the worst chapter i've ever written but it's late and i'm tired so goodnight.

kisses 😘