Not a monster [Gaara of the sand love story] Modern au

Chapter Thirty-seven: Gaara's Journal

August 24

Today I went to talk to Sai and a few others about what happened on Temari's birthday. They all tell me to tell Matsuri that she needs to move on from me and apologize to Sarina. But I still feel confused, I don't know if Sarina truly loves me with how she's been acting, she's been going to bed hours after me and gaining insomnia rings around her eyes. I feel like she's torturing herself because of me. Do we truly belong together if we just end up hurting one another?

August 25

I went to talk to Matsuri only to end up sleeping with her, it didn't feel the same as being with Sarina felt, Sarina was the first woman I had ever been with and now sleeping with Matsuri I feel like it'd be best if I stayed with Sarina. I didn't feel anything for Matsuri but would Sarina still forgive me if I told her that I slept with someone who wasn't her? It's so confusing I need to talk to Kankuro about this maybe he'll have some advice for me.

August 28

I finally got the courage to talk to my elder brother-he told me that what I did was cheating on Sarina. That she'd never forgive me if she found out that she'd be heart broken. She merely asked me to think about what to do-it wasn't her breaking up with me. So now what do I do. Who do I truly love? I can't figure out this is so confusing...

August 31

I picked Matsuri-it was a big mistake. Sarina not only left my life romantically but entirely. She no longer lives with my siblings and I. I'm currently writing this in her old room. I remember the many memories in the room I'm in of her and I. I remember how weak and fragile she once was-now seeing her getting strong enough to live her own life without me I...I can't do this. I picked wrong. I love Sarina not Matsuri but the damage is already done.

September 13th

School has started up again and I saw Sarina...she's gotten really pale. I can't believe just what has become of her because of me. I hate that I did such horrible things to such a wonderful woman. She deserves better than me. But I can't get over her, I can't move on from her. It's just impossible for me to do that. Sarina hold on-be strong.

October 31st

We were allowed to dress up for halloween and Sarina had came in as Harley Quinn with a plastic hammer and acting just as crazy as the woman herself. The only thing that irks me is that Neiji was as Joker and the two of them were acting a bit too close to one another. She isn't already moving on from me is she? I hope not-I can't let her go to someone else when I still love her. I've never spoken those words to anyone but her. It pisses off Matsuri but it's what she gets for what she's done to the relationship that I had with Sarina.

November 24

We are on Thanksgiving break and Sarina doesn't seem to be celebrating any holidays with anyone. I fear for her health, she's getting skinnier and skinnier as months go by. I can just tell that she isn't eating properly like she should be. It breaks my heart seeing her suffering and torturing herself because of me. I miss her-I miss her so much. The moment that Matsuri slips up I will break up with her and find a way to get Sarina to trust me and take me back.

December 20th

Temari told me that she wants to do a Christmas party with our friends which she did invite Sarina-she's the one that I'm getting a present for. I already know what I wanna do for her. I'll be making a memory book for her so she knows just how much I miss her. I only hope that what I write in the end of it she'll take with the best intent. I only love her she's the only one that's been on my mind for these last few months I only hope she still loves me back.

December 23

FINALLY! I got the courage to break up with Matsuri! She's out of my life for good, now if I can finally pursue Sarina if she'll allow me back into her heart. I hope and pray that she will, I only wish to hold her in my arms again and tell her just what I feel for her.