Making It (On Hold Indefinitely)

1.9

1.9

I didn't want to fly out the next morning. I couldn't face Taylor. Not yet. Not when I didn't fully have a grasps on it myself. I even constructed a text telling him that I wasn't going to make it but deleted it and texted him that I couldn't wait to see him. Because while I didn't want to be anywhere near him, I wanted to be wrapped up in his arms and let all my troubles melt away.

So I woke up early with Brooke. Forced myself into some comfortable travel clothes and climbed into the uber with my best friend. She held my hand tightly and promised me everything was going to be okay. She promised me that if Taylor couldn't comfort me she'd be there to help me through what I was feeling, even if she couldn't physically take away my pain.

I silently thanked her. I didn't know what I would do without her. Without Cassidy.

She texted me last night making sure I was okay. Offering to spend the night, but I'm pretty sure she was using me to get out of school. I told her I was fine and reminded her I was leaving this morning. Even she promised me everything was going to be okay.

Getting through baggage check and security was a grueling process. It was nothing but long lines and I nearly broke into tears at the sight of two little children running around their parents legs to have a bit of fun.

I didn't know realizing that you were pregnant and you suddenly weren't all on one go would hurt this much. I didn't know that it would make me want a baby now more than ever. To make up for the fact that I had lost one. But I couldn't do that. Not now. Not ever. How could I knowing that my body wasn't equipped to carry a child.

It wasn't your fault.

The words echo in my head and I nod at them, taking in a deep breath. It wasn't my fault. Things just happen. There was nothing I could do.

I follow Brooke to our gate. Hiking my carry on over my shoulder.

"Hey maybe when we get back you can join one of these." Brooke slows down so I can stand next to her. I furrow my brows and look over her shoulder at the brochure in her hands.

I notice that it's the miscarriage support group pamphlet Natasha gave me with my discharge papers. I hadn't bothered looking at it because it seemed stupid. I didn't need a support group I needed my dead baby's father.

"I'm not joining a support group. Why did you bring that?" I snatch it from her and frowning.

"Because I knew you weren't going to look at it." Brooke snatches it back and frowns at me. "A support group could be good for you. To connect with other women who have miscarried, who know what you're going through."

"Shout it for the whole fucking airport why don't you!" I hiss, snatching it back from her and shoving it into a pocket of my book bag. "I don't need to connect with other women. I just need my friends right now. I need to take my mind off of it."

"But I think—"

"Drop it. Please?" I beg her, pulling her to a stop. Brooke stares up at me with her brown eyes, a pleading look mirrored back at me.

We stare off at each other until her eyes grow stormy and she pulls away from my hold.

"Fine." She huffs bitterly, fixing her jacket on her shoulder. "Just think about it, okay?"

"I will." I wont. I nod. Brooke stares at me with narrowed eyes a bit longer before we continue to our gate.

We sit and wait and I tinker on my phone. Opening up the multiple messages I had. There was one from Ferris telling me to go over some scenes while I gone for when I get back. Blaire offering me her ear if I needed someone to talk too. David asks if I'm okay and I tell him yeah. My dad tells me he's sorry and I reply with yeah to that too because I didn't want to say thanks. Then there's a message from Taylor.