2.8

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2.8

We sit in comforting silence for a bit. His hold around me firm as he rubs my arm.

I didn't know how much I needed my dads comfort until now. The familiar scent of his aftershave mixed with cologne, his firm yet pillowy body, just the way he made me feel safe.

It was a different safe from what I felt with Taylor. Taylor helped me face my demons. He made me feel as if nothing on the outside could hurt me. My dad made me feel like nothing on the inside could hurt me. He made me feel little kid safe. I scraped my knee and it hurt, safe.

With another heavy, and regretful, sigh my father coaxes me off of him. He sits me upright and brushes my hair behind my ear. I keep my gaze trained on my hands in my lap as I wait for an explanation.

"I was hoping you'd never have to go through this," he sighs woefully. "I hoped that when you were finally ready to have a baby— to start a family, God would grant you that wish."

"Dad—" I huff.

"I know, you aren't religious. Neither am I. But I do still believe in a God. I might just be a little angry with him right now because he hurt my baby girl," he huffs right back, resting his hand on my head before bestowing on it a kiss.

I nod my head.

If there is a God, I'm mad at him too.

"I'm going to tell you the same thing that I told your mother when she miscarried." He palms his his hand down the back of my head to my neck and then starts the process again. "Just because you weren't meant to have this baby doesn't mean you aren't meant to have a baby. This baby was just weeding out all the bad for the next one to come."

I feel my throat hitch and my fingers clutch at my stomach.

Was he saying my uterus was defective? My ovums? Had I stood too close to the microwave and radiated them all?

"When I mean bad, I mean all of the negativity in your life. To remind you that you're capable of creating something good. Maybe not now, but someday." With his hand resting on my neck and shoulders he gives a gentle squeeze.

"How is this supposed to make me feel better?" I frown, not feeling the slightest bit better. He said he was going to tell me about an older brother I never knew I had.

"Because at least now you know all your parts work and you can get pregnant." With a big goofy smile he nudges me in the side and my frown deepens. I shake my head. "Yeah, that didn't land with your mother either." He sighs, lips downturning.

"You mentioned an older brother?" My voice is small as it escapes me. I pull my legs up onto the bed and cross them butterfly style before tucking my hands into the opening.

My dad nods his head and his features fall a bit. His lips down turn and the outer corner of his eyes droop a bit too.

"It was right around the time your mother graduated from college. We were moving out on our own, finding our place in this world and I was starting at the police academy. Wasted four years of my life trying to get my JD when in the end I wound up just wanting to be a cop." He gives off a weak smile and I suck in a breath. "We were moving into our first house together. We couldn't buy, so we rented and we were so happy. Everything was great. We were in love. Then it happened.

That same night I found your mother at the bottom of our tub, blood dying the shallow water that had started to fill it."

My breathing stills for a moment as I try not to picture my mother bleeding in a tub, only to have her murder scene flash in my mind. I quickly shut my eyes to keep the image from staying longer than it should and take deep slow breaths.

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