Freddy vs. Jason vs. Ash

Ash and the Army of Darkness

Some time later, Ash had changed into his S-Mart uniform and was kneeling at the stack-base of a pyramid towering about eight feet off the floor that was made of nothing but brand-name waffle irons. And stacked rather poorly, he repeatedly pointed out to himself.

"So, what was all the commotion about, Ashley?"

Ash jumped when he heard Carrie's voice. He swung his arms out as he turned and accidentally struck a box out of the stack. The pyramid began crashing down around him; he turned back to stop it and gave a small yelp of defeat as a waffle iron flew down and beamed him in the face.

"Oh God," Carrie said, resisting her urge to laugh. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," Ash said with a sigh. "Oh, look at this! I give the fuck up!"

"I'll help you," Carrie offered. "But only if you tell me what happened out there."

"Just leave it," Ash said. "It's bad news, sweet cheeks. And I know bad news. It's followed me around for over twenty-five years."

"What are you talking about, Williams?" This came from David, who had poked his head around the corner during the commotion of the falling stack-base. Raoul and Jarvis were right next to him.

"You kids really want to know my story?" Ash asked. David and Carrie nodded, while Raoul and Jarvis shrugged.

"Alright," I guess I'll start from the beginning...

"The name's Ashley J. Williams, house-"

A loud yawn from Raoul interrupted Ash. When he was done, Raoul looked around as the others eye-balled him.

"Oh, don't mind me. It's the weed kicking in."

"Alright..." Ash continued. "Anyway...

"I was in college. My girlfriend and I decided it would be a good idea to take three of our closest friends up to a cabin in the woods for a weekend. But the fun ended real fast. We were in the basement and we found a book: the Necronomicon ex Mortis, or the Book of the Dead.

"The book is bound in human flesh and inked in human blood. It holds within its pages passages of Kandarian origin, such as resurrection spells, dimensional rifts, alchemist potions, and whatnot. Well, someone read a passage from that book, and they unleashed something evil...

"One by one, my friends all succumbed to this evil; I had to chop up my poor Linda with a chainsaw just to end her suffering. And then, it came for me. It got into my hand, and it went bad. I lopped it off at the wrist, and then made this little contraption when that damned book sent me back to the Dark Ages. It was there that I found the book again, and that's when some dumb idiot accidentally unleashed the Army of Darkness..." Ash trailed off, careful not to mention that the aforementioned "dumb idiot" was himself, having misspoken a rather important spell.

"Fortunately, I eventually defeated the Army and was returned home. But somehow that infernal book followed me back, and I've spent the better part of a quarter-century tracking it down so I can destroy it once and for all."

After a moment of silence, Jarvis and Raoul started busting up while David gave Carrie a worried look and Carrie returned it.

Ash turned away while Raoul shouted, "Damn pops! Whatever you're smokin', tell me two things about it: what is it and where can I get some?"

Ash turned around and said, "Oh, you think I'm joking? Well listen up, you little bastards. Just because you think you got everything figured out, that only means only two things: Jack and shit, and Jack skipped town! Because I got some news for you: the world is a cesspool full of shit that you don't want looking you in the eye.