Freddy vs. Jason vs. Ash

Hail to the King!

"WHERE'S MY GODDAMNED BOOK?"

Freddy's words reverberated throughout the woods where Ash was making a run for freedom. He held his chainsaw in his right hand and the book in the other. He slowed to a stop to catch his breath, panting heavily.

"WILLIAMS!" Freddy's voice sounded closer that time.

"Oh, fuck you!" Ash heaved. His right foot suddenly stopped. He felt his ankle catch on something big. Momentum carried Ash forward... and down. Ash's face plowed deep into the cold snow.

Something big hit him in his cheek, and then retreated. Ash looked up and saw branches coming out of nowhere, smacking and punching the shit out of his face. One small twig shoved itself into Ash's ear canal. Ash felt the twig go through his head and out his other ear. Ash screamed, despite feeling no pain. The branch withdrew itself as another branch snaked up to his face and attempted to poke him in the eyes. Ash held up his hand just as it lunged for him, stopping the branch in mid-strike.

"Hahahahaha!" Ash laughed. Ash stood and started forward, only to be stopped by another branch that repeatedly punched him in the chin. Ash regained his balance and stood to fight. The "arms" were holding their "fists" high; "putting up their dukes", as it were.

Ash leaped forward to strike, but the tree began rapidly punching his chin. A final blow sent Ash into the air where he did not one, not two, but three back flips in rapid succession before landing flat on his ass.

"Oof!" Ash yelled. The tree began shaking his arms in the air, celebrating as if he had just won the heavyweight championship title.

Ash opened his eyes and saw a vine began wrapping around his throat. The vine lifted him into the air as more branches began snaking around his limbs. The branches laid him out flat in the air. Ash tugged and pulled at the vines trying to break them, but they were stronger than one could possibly believe.

"Damn you, Krueger!" Ash yelled. "Get outta my head!"

CA-CAW! CA-CAW! Ash stopped struggling and took a look around. A murder of crows was perched on the Deadite tree branches. They looked at him with hungry, oversized eyes; they were Deadite-possessed!

One in particular was looking Ash dead in the eyes. Ash made eye-contact with this particular Avian specimen, which looked down, tilted his head to the side and, believe it or not, smiled, revealing a large row of horrifying and sharp teeth. If it wasn't so frightening, it would have been comical.

"Oh, shit!" Ash yelled. At that moment, the crows took flight, swooping up into the black clouds before swooping back down.

"Krueger, I'm gonna rip that glove right off your fucking hand! Just see if I don't!"

At that moment, the birds swooped past Ash. Their wings beat Ash's face, cutting him good and deep. Smiley-Bird landed on Ash's shoulders, bearing his teeth once more like a sadistic black version of Tweety Bird.

"Oh shit! Um... Nice birdie-birdie! Polly want a cracker...?" The bird cocked it's head in response. "Just flap those dime-store feather dusters on out of here and I'll... Ouch!"

The bird began to claw and peck at Ash's face.

"Aaaahhhhh! Get off!" The bird obliged, but only momentarily. It then flew in a circle around him and then dive-bombed towards his legs. It landed on his belt and turned towards his crotch.

Horrified, Ash's eyes widened, and his face dropped. "What... No! No! NO!"

The bird looked back at him and, in a movement that scared the shit out of Ash, nodded its head!

I'm gonna do it.

"NO... NO... NO!"

It turned back to Ash's crotch and began pecking his pecker!

"Aaaahhhhh!" Ash screamed in agony with every peck. Ash squirmed as he tried to get the bird to shoo. "All right! That's it!"

The bird hopped up to his chest and smiled that satanic smile.

"So, you like the taste of Ash, huh? Well, I'll fix ya! Ha-ha." He was hysterical now. "Ha-ha-ha! I'll fix ya good!"

With one swift lunge, he grabbed the backside of the bird with his teeth! Startled, the bird tweeted in fright and turned to fly away, but Ash was too quick! His teeth sunk into the bird's flesh, snapping its neck! The bird tweeted once more and beat Ash's face in desperation before passing on!

"Arrrraah! Hob yab lipe dat, yab fuben buwds!" he said with a mouthful of bird. He clenched his teeth together and took a chunk out of the birds back. The bird fell to the ground, leaving a chunk of feathered flesh and a puddle of blood in Ash's mouth.

"Chipen wins, anywom? Bwahahaha!"

He spit the bird flesh out and watched it fall to the ground. His mouth was now black with Deadite Bird blood and he had three cuts on his left cheek from where the birds had tried to eat him. The blood had also turned his chin black.

"Fucking birds taste like Deadite ass! Now how am I gonna get out of this one?" Ash asked himself as he realized he was still in the grasp of the trees. He then saw that the starter cord of the chainsaw was caught in a twig of a vine holding his arm.

"It's go time!" He gave the cord a good yank and the chainsaw started...

...then stopped.

"Fuck!"

He tried again. It started...

"Yeah..."

...then stopped again.

"Oh for fuck's sake! One-Pull Start, my ass!"

Ash tried over and over to get the chainsaw to start but failing each time.

"Oh for the love of Linda!" Ash yelled and gave another almighty pull, causing the chainsaw to finally roar to life!

"Groo-hoo-hoo-vy!" Ash shouted as he began slicing his way out of the thick entanglement! The trees seemed to scream in agony as their limbs were torn from their bodies!

"Free!" he yelled as the last branch fell away. He landed on his feet and began slicing through the trees, which promptly began to bleed a black, viscous fluid!

"Fuck yeah!" he yelled.

CA-CAW! CA-CAW!

Ash didn't say a word. He rolled his eyes, grabbed the shotgun out of the holster on his back, and placed the barrel on his left shoulder...

BA-BOOM!

Ash fired over his shoulder as the buckshot left the barrel and hit the possessed crow dead on. The bird exploded in a shower of blood, buckshot, and feathers against the bright moon.

Ash lifted the gun over his head, resting the barrel on the chainsaw. He brought the gun down slowly as he exhaled excitedly, shaking as he did so.

Oooh..." He breathed. "Oh, yeah... Hail to the King, birdies. Hail to the King." Ash holstered the shotgun and picked up the book, which he had dropped during the beat down.

"Now, to find those stupid kids." Ash said as he walked back towards the house.