Achieving Serenity

Love or Lust

Toxic relationships

She hung up on him again. Ryan felt like it may be time for him to give up on Alicia, but his feelings for her were still tremendously strong. It was around four years ago that he started crushing on her and he was beginning to think that since he's now a sophomore, maybe it's finally time to start looking at other girls. They had developed a close friendship- what others at school referred to as a friend zone situation which Ryan would always deny. He was obsessed with her, and his drive to be around her would often dictate his entire mindset and path.

It always hurt when she would abruptly cut the conversation, but more often than not she would end up calling him back ten minutes later. She treated him terribly, used him constantly but he honestly didn't mind because the feeling she gave him was so animated and lively. Just being around her gave him the sensation that everything in the universe is at it should be.

In desperation, Ryan began to pray. He didn't want to chase a relationship that was never meant to be, and also didn't want to spend his entire time at high school chasing Alicia. Asking God in these times was not common for Ryan, but he needed to receive some sort of sign of whether or not Alicia was the girl for him.

The next day at school was a Friday, and Ryan was excited to figure out where the parties were going to be at. Spending time with his friends, drinking and playing beer pong was how Ryan, and many of his classmates used their weekends. Ryan was especially excited to get drunk with Alicia because he knew it was any day now that he would finally lose his virginity to her. He was tired of being a virgin- the worst part about it was lying to people that he wasn't. There was no way he was going to undertake the social pressure when it was learned he had never been with a girl, so he always made small fibs here and there and tried avoiding the topic of sex at all costs.

What was mostly on Ryan's mind was Alicia's breasts and how she almost always would get topless at house parties. As long as he made sure he was partying with her tonight, even if he doesn't sleep with her- at the very least he will be able to see her without a shirt. Getting drunk, playing beer pong, having sex with Alicia. That was the game plan for this weekend.

One of the usual members in his friend group was out of town with family this weekend, and the remainder were having trouble finding somewhere to drink. Ryan had contacted his hook-up for beer and was good to go for providing drinks, but they were struggling at finding a place to drink it. Even Alicia and her friends were running up dry as it seemed to be a quiet Friday night.

This was always one of the most stressful feelings for Ryan- having the lock but not having the key. He thought about times he had the money to buy weed but could find no hookups. Other times his hookups would blow up his phone while his vacant wallet sat untouched in his penniless pocket. Now he had the beer, but no place to drink. There had to be some way...

Going to a park was ridiculous and shoved off when presented as an idea of where to go. It would not be calm, and Ryan especially doesn't want to do that because he won't be able to sleep with Alicia for sure in that scenario. Plus the public outdoors may prevent Alicia from wanting to get naked. Ryan was determined to find any way to secure accommodation, but hours passed to no avail.

Ryan finally had an idea, and didn't want to do it, but figured this was probably their only shot. He recalled going with Justin over to Justin's father's house one night when the father was not home. Justin reached under a rock, picked up a spare key and was able to enter the house. Justin and his family were currently out of town, and so Ryan secured this idea in his back pocket in case it came down as the only possibility.

Nobody could find anywhere to drink, and people were beginning to give up. Ryan, mind still focused on his sexual desires for Alicia, finally presents the group with the plan he cooked up. Ryan lies to his friends and tells them that Justin already gave him permission when in reality Ryan was too afraid to even ask. His friends, including Alicia and her two friends, pile up into his SUV and drive over to Justin's father's house.

Ryan parked in a guest parking spot and guided everyone over to the back door. He hopped the fence, clicked the gate open, and went under the familiar rock to successfully find the hidden spare key. He turns the door open, and grants everybody access and the festivities began. Kevin, always ready with the AUX cords, hooks his iPod to the stereo system as the group finds the optimal beer pong table.

Everyone had a great time, except for Ryan. Halfway through the party, Alicia and one of Ryan's buddies, Jonas, was up in Justin's father's bedroom the entire rest of the night, apparently having sex. His rage, shame, and remorse only grew with his binging alcohol consumption, and the only thing that Ryan feels can calm him down is by revisiting an activity him and Kevin did last weekend. They would get heavily shitfaced as usual, and then Ryan would get behind the wheel, Kevin the passenger, and they would race other cars on the freeway as music blasted. It was an intense euphoria that made Ryan feel so alive and was an activity that would successfully quiet all his troubles and insecurities.

After an hour of flirting with death, Ryan went home to his parent's house with Kevin and they passed out there as a few people slept over at Justin's. He awoke in the early hours and went over there to initiate Project Cleanup. He arrived to see Alicia and Jonas still present, and Ryan pretended to be absolutely fine with their apparent sprouting romance. After deep-scrubbing the entire place, Ryan and his cleaning buddies depart the premises, and Ryan ensures everything is exactly as it was.

A week later, Justin's father is in the living room of Ryan's parent's house, seated on a couch next to Ryan and his parents. The jig was up, and after failing to bribe Justin to take responsibility, Ryan had come clean about everything. Justin's father immediately knew something was wrong with his apartment, and his suspicions were confirmed when he found a used condom in the bathroom trash in his bedroom. A grounding and an apology made the situation go away, and Ryan had been given the sign he had prayed to receive.