Achieving Serenity

#blessed

I can only keep what I have by giving it away

I was so proud of myself; I couldn't believe I had actually been able to do it.

"I did it, Kassey!" I exclaimed to my apathetic cat, roosting on my bedside. She wasn't one to show too much appreciation, but she had just come back from running away for fifteen days, so I assumed she was exhausted from her vacation. I stepped off the scale and took yet another photo of myself in the mirror, confirming that I had lost 73 pounds since 5 months ago when assertively beginning my weight-loss program. Ensuring the smile as wide as I possibly could, I tapped my iPhone to take the final picture of my 20-image selfie collage. The first photo that I had snapped at the beginning back in July displayed my grumpy face, with the notion vividly in my head of how I would gradually change my facial expression as the weight shed off. I emailed the picture to myself and went to my computer to view the final before-and-after project.

Last summer was probably the worst summer I've experienced in my entire life. I was depressed from a recent break-up, and binge-drinking as chaos ensued around me, to the tune of arrests and job dismissal. This was around the time that I realized I hated myself and was disgusted by how fat I was getting. I was seated in a chair in my bedroom and peered over at a mirror, completely repulsed by my reflection. I sucked in my belly to optimize the concerning visual I was getting and decided right then and there that I needed to stop drinking beer so much and actually go to the gym. Once I took that first "before" picture, I was committed and didn't want to ruin the project I had in mind.

I knew I would probably have to get sober to get my life back on track, so I reached out to an old boyfriend Grant, whom I knew went to rehab and regularly attends AA meetings. I really couldn't imagine life without alcohol and frankly, didn't want to give it up. The feeling of accepting that I couldn't drink ever again was an indignant and uncomfortable one, but I knew that I at least wanted to take a break. I was tired of crying in front of my friends every night we end up drinking. Grant was happy to take me to a meeting and to be honest, I really did not like it at all. The majority of people there were older and had decades of sobriety under their belts, and I couldn't even begin to ponder how to relate to them. There was talk about how I was the "most important person at the meeting" and that they encouraged sponsorship. Over half the room raised their hands at the "Who here has worked the 12 steps and is available to sponsor someone?" I felt anxiety at the attention I was getting and didn't want to stick around until the end to experience the obligated after-meeting mingling.

I wanted to stick around, but then I heard something there that I just absolutely could not agree with. The message was something on the lines of "You can only keep what you have by giving it away." Um, excuse me?? How can you keep something if you're constantly giving it to people? The analogy they were using only pertained to people who were further along in their sobriety journey. They made clear that if you have, for example, two years of sobriety, then the only way you can continue to have sobriety is by coming to meetings. It's probably just brainwashed nonsense to get the alcoholics to chalk up their dollars when the baskets come around. "You can only keep sobriety by giving your money away" might as well have been the mantra.

So anyway, I decided that in order to continue on in losing weight, I would simply switch to liquor instead of beer. Before July, at least four times I week I was drinking seven-fifteen beers, I would eat whatever I wanted, and would never visit the gym amenity my apartment complex provides. It was no wonder I was blowing up like an off-putting blob. I still saw Grant every so often, but he was growing uncomfortable with my drinking so he told me he would only hang out with me in sober environments. I was not surprised by him choosing to just drop me from his life, as this seems to be what men like to do. I truly did want to get sober, but I also don't want to give it up forever. I was conflicted by my true love of Alcohol, and its contradicting emotions it was giving me.

I want to call my little sister, Julie and tell her about my accomplishment, but first I will post it to Facebook and Instagram so maybe she will see it there first. She was usually busy with real estate stuff across the other side of the country, but she still made time for me. As I was attaching the 20-photo before-and-after collage of my 73-pound weight loss in 5 months, I started thinking about Julie. Sometimes I resented her for never giving me any sort of job opportunity. I've been a server/bartender at several bars in the last seven years while she has been making millions of dollars. It all started ten years ago when I was seventeen, Julie sixteen. Dad wired us both $2,000 into our checking accounts as a free financial boost into the real world. I saved it up like I thought I should do, but it's been quite a few years since that money ran out. Julie, on the other hand, wanted to use the money to buy dinner for Dad and his friends, taking interest in Dad's real estate success. She bought dinner for people, and now she's a millionaire. I work my ass off, and I have nothing. Thanks, God.

Post. Now all there is to do is sit back and wait for the praise. I loaded up a bowl of marijuana in my bong, smoked it and then went out into my patio to have a cigarette. It was such a euphoric feeling to be in this mental state of highness, knowing that people are currently in this moment recognizing my accomplishments. I deserved it; I had a goal that I saw clearly in mind, and I took every footstep required to get to the other side. There was really nothing that I had to worry about now that I had finally gotten my life back on track.

It's been six months since I last wrote, and I'm fat again. Did you read that correctly? I'm fat!! AGAIN! I'll admit that I don't go to the gym as often as I did, and I seeped beer back into my diet, but how is it possible that I gained 55 pounds?! I'm basically right back where I started. Not only that, my cat ran away again. I need her now more than ever and she's just gone! I wish I would've given her more attention when she came back home the first time. I barely ever play with her and sometimes even forget to feed her. Plus I'm always so negative all the time; it's no wonder she left.

Oh, my god. I can't believe I never realized it before. I called up Grant in excitement, and he answered the phone.

"Grant, can we go to another meeting please?" I asked. "I understand what they mean now."

"Yes, absolutely!" he replied. "What do you mean exactly, though?"

I started from the top with him. All the answers were right at my fingertips and I was just too neglectful to notice them. You can only keep what you have by giving it away. Julie kept that money because she gave it away. I could have kept my weight loss if I would have given away effort. I could've kept my cat home if I would've given away love. That meeting was telling me an important lesson that I needed to drop my ego in order to understand. The best things in life aren't destinations, but journeys. In order to keep and maintain these amazing gifts, we must continue to give away what we've been given.