Achieving Serenity

Gratitude List

Gratitude

Oliver didn't understand why wasn't happy. All he knew for sure is that he felt most relaxed during the hour-long marathons he would spend playing video games. The games provided temporary relief to his ongoing depression.

He had a history of abusing pills and would go to Narcotics Anonymous meetings once a week, per his parents' request. He had a sponsor that he would call or text on a daily basis, and this helped a little. But nothing like his role-playing video games.

He was an expert at a game called Cravence II and was working on sharpening his skills on Saturday afternoon. Oliver was playing the solo mode and had completed 98% of the missions. He was eager to gain the bragging rights of defeating Cravence II in its entirety and was almost there. His character walked up to a massive castle, and Oliver let out a dreaded sigh upon entry.

It was a puzzle mission he skipped months ago. These quests were so easy but extremely time-consuming but Oliver reluctantly played on as he knew this innocuous challenge was pertinent to getting to that precious 100% Completed that few players got to. After playing well into the night, Oliver's mom knocks on the bedroom door and then enters.

"Hey Ollie, you should go to bed," his mother says through a raspy voice.

"I was just about to- didn't realize how long this mission would be," he replied.

"Love you," his mom said to which Oliver returned with a "Love you too." She closed the bedroom door and surprisingly Oliver did end up going to bed about five minutes later.

The next day was the morning of his weekly NA meeting, so his mom was back in his room at around 9:15 am. After two more passive wake-up calls from mom, Oliver finally gets out of bed and begins the day.

He enters the meeting slightly late and takes a seat next to his sponsor, Frank, who gives him a smile and a Popsicle stick. Oliver takes the stick and sees the word "Gratitude" hand-written on it. Everyone in the meeting had a stick, and the chairman would call out the words or phrases and the person who had the corresponding stick would have the opportunity to share on that particular topic.

It always made Oliver nervous anticipating whether or not his stick would be called. As the chairman would announce the next topic, the first bit of his first syllable always seemed like it was going to turn into "Gratitude", making Oliver's heart pound. This was another thing Oliver just didn't understand about himself. He had an idea of what he would say if he had to speak, but the waiting had caused him so much anxiety.

The meeting ended and his stick was never called. He began chatting with his sponsor and was slightly annoyed when he was given an assignment. Frank wanted him to write a list of twenty-five things he was grateful for, in order to make up for his stick not being called. He chuckled along and graciously accepted the challenge, even though he didn't understand the point of it.

Oliver went home and continued playing Cravence II well into the night, isolating from the world in order to escape into his optimal life. He was still at 98% Completed, as this brutal puzzle mission was taking so long. He wished he would have finished this a long time ago because the next mission requires 99% in order to play it. The mission was a boss battle, and those were always amazing. He couldn't wait until he finished this boring quest and get on to the next one.

The next day, his sponsor called him and asked him about his gratitude list. This caught Oliver off guard, and he impulsively lied and said he completed it. Frank wanted to get coffee today and it was always hard for Oliver to reject others, so he agreed to meet up with him in about an hour. This gave him plenty of time to work on the gratitude list so he could show his sponsor his work.

Oliver thought about how close he was to finishing that ridiculous, time-consuming quest. Probably like another hour of game-play and he'd have it finished. It only took him about thirty hours. He brushed the video game thoughts away as he tore a sheet of paper out of an old notebook he found underneath his bed. His mom helped him find a working ballpoint pen and he began writing the obvious things. Parents. Breathing. Food. Cravence II.

Once he got all the expected ones out of the way, he found himself actually having to put effort into this. He assumed this would be a knockout task and not something he even needed to worry about. But he found that he was having trouble coming up with new items after listing twelve of them.

Recovery. Frank. Animals. The option of staying clean. Free Agency. Freedom of speech. Love. The feeling of having accomplished something. The guy who let me through during congested traffic. Forgiveness. Acceptance. New beginnings. The option to feel happy today. Faith.

Okay, that was twenty-five, and he had ten minutes to spare before he had to leave. Oliver began talking with his mom about the list, and she began sharing some of the things she was grateful for.

Oliver noticed something interesting. He never understood why he wasn't happy, but at this moment, he felt a sense of serenity that he could only describe as happiness. The gratitude list was the tedious yet easy puzzle mission, and serenity was his boss battle.