Achieving Serenity

GA or GO

Acceptance

For me, the worst part about losing money gambling is the next morning, waking up and immediately thinking about it. It always sets an unpleasant precedent for the day and was precisely how I was feeling this particular morning driving to school. I wish I could just forget about it, but the sting feels so impossible to ignore. The prior night I was drunk and took a few stupid risks at the online poker tables. I ended up losing $800 and didn't need to check Ashley's and my joined bank account balance to know it was currently in the negative. Ashley was only moments away discovering the disaster, and I prepared myself the inevitable stern belittlement I felt deserved. I prayed she would show me some acceptance as I anxiously feared the dreadful moment my vibrating phone would alert me to my girlfriend's reprimanding.

As I opened the doors to the less-than-impressive, high-ceiling community college, I looked up to read the famous quotes teeming the entrance walls. I had seen those dozens of times in my months enrolled here, but I found an eerie comfort when I was reading them today.

"The difference between winning and losing is most often not quitting." -Walt Disney

It was the first burst of positivity I had felt that morning because it truly had resonated with me. I knew I was a talented poker player and just had a few tweaks I needed to weed out. I definitely had a problem losing a lot when I would try to play drunk. All I needed to do was only play sober just like Daniel Negreanu says, and I won't have to worry about these foolish setbacks. I am a winner, and I refuse to quit.

Checking my phone to see I was running eight minutes late, I entered the quiet classroom and picked my usual spot near the back, unpacking my laptop and keeping to myself as I usually do. I gazed forward to see no teacher present; that was not surprising considering this was not the first time I had slumped into class a few minutes late, only to see I had trounced the even more unpunctual teacher.

I was glad to pick a spot that allowed my laptop's screen to be a hidden view from all classmates, as this allowed me to play poker online during class in case the subject material became too boring. Not that it mattered today, because I had lost the rest of my net worth the previous night. I questioned why I'm even on this collegiate business-degree path, as I have no idea what I plan to do with those credentials. Do I just expect some company to hire me, or for some entrepreneurial idea to just spurt into my head one day? When I truly would contemplate my future career path, I honestly believed playing poker professionally and full-time was the most realistic and lucrative choice for me.

It only took about 30 minutes of sitting in class before I felt my phone buzz, and my heart drop as this certainly is the confirmation that Ashley has checked our negative balance. I never had anxiety about making ends meet with myself and Ashley because my well-off parents were almost always willing to help us out. Regardless, the shame and remorse my mind encapsulated whenever Ashley talked to me about my gambling were not growing any thinner. I reached into my pocket as the tardy teacher began rattling off an introduction for the day, fished out my phone and peered at its screen as it nested against my thigh. Surely enough, it was a text message from my girlfriend of two years.

"GA or GO" was all it read. I didn't understand what it meant and was pretty sure she had sent a typo and was going to resend a polished text at any moment. But no follow-up message came as I sat in class staring disengaged at the teacher, mulling over what it could be that she was telling me. A reminiscence of a past gambling lecture with her had finally connected the dots for me, and I had realized the full extent of the ultimatum that Ashley was presenting to me. She wanted me to either go to a Gamblers Anonymous meeting, or the relationship was over.

I couldn't tell you a word of what the teacher had said in class this day, as all my mind dazed over was the question of what was truly important to me in my life. I loved Ashley with all my heart and didn't want to imagine spending my days without her. At the same time, however, I couldn't possibly picture living the rest of my life without poker. I was so fascinated by the entirety of the game- the rules, the stats, the reading of players- everything about the game shouted at me that this was my passionate future. How could I choose between my two loves?

But the solution was clear. I needed to give the Gamblers Anonymous program a shot, and worse comes to worst- I can always stealthily move money around and make it possible to gamble without Ashley's knowledge. So when I got home from school the day she gave me the ultimatum, I performed my familiar song-and-dance of apologetic self-analysis and told her I will go to Gamblers Anonymous tonight. Something needed to be done about my reckless betting habits, and it was starting to get in the way of my personal life- this I could not deny. However, if I am being honest, the true reason I was willing to give Gamblers Anonymous a chance is that I wanted to become a better and more disciplined gambler, and knew I could continue to gamble in secret.

Surprisingly, I found a community of really good people at Gamblers Anonymous and ended up willingly going back. I never felt like I could get Ashley to understand how it feels to be a gambling addict, and at times would feel that I would never be able to explain it to anyone. But the things they were saying at GA was making a lot of sense to me and I knew I was in a place with people who knew the true nature of compulsive gambling and its devastating reality. I no longer felt alone in this problem, and I listened to the advice and got myself a sponsor, and began working the 12 steps.

I went into the rooms with a mindset of not taking the program seriously at all but ended up taking it seriously, or so I thought. I racked up 87 days of abstinence, only three days away from getting my 90-day key tag when I found myself no longer returning my sponsors call. I really didn't want to go to the usual meeting one particular Wednesday, and I decided to ditch it altogether. I came to realize I still wanted to gamble. Even though I would go to meetings, and try to fake it until I made it, I still could not picture my life without any poker tournaments, no matter how hard I tried to live one day at a time. At the time, I really didn't feel like one bet would kill me.

I relapsed, and my first thought was that I should just lie and pick up my 90-day tag. But I knew the undeniable guilt that would inevitably come with that, and I hated to play dumb to compose lies to other people. I told Ashley about my relapse, and she told me she found a sober living home on the Internet that she thinks I should begin living in. She was willing to give me another chance because, in her eyes, I was actually putting forth an effort.

I had looked at the past seven years of my life and realized that gambling had been an undoubtedly heavy sidekick of mine. I never really won money ever, and the only reason I thought I was so good at poker was because of some stats I recorded years ago that proved a profitable span of months, but instinctively I never recorded the negative months. Poker was doing nothing but taking away from me. I decided to go to that sober house, returned to Gamblers Anonymous as Ashley began attending the sister-program Gam-Anon- for those who aren't gamblers but have a loved one who is. She didn't give up on me and truly inspired me to never give up on myself.

For me, going to meetings needed to be my choice, and I needed to be going for the right reasons. I was carrying around this ego-driven fantasy that I was just a slot-machine pull away from turning my entire life around. I refused to accept that I had a problem, even though I was claiming to have admitted powerlessness to GA members. Just because I was saying the words out loud does not mean I really meant them. I needed to set boundaries with my parents to let them know that when they give me free money, they are unknowingly enabling my gambling addiction. They cut me off financially as they should have. This was a huge step for me because I was no longer living in a fantastical safety net held up by my parents. I needed to work for the things I own.

Fear and denial are the opposites of acceptance. I was afraid of a life without poker and denied that I had a problem. When I was able to come to accept the true nature of my behaviors, I was finally able to see a newfound light. Ashley and I ended up getting married shortly after my one-year birthday. Today, I have three years of abstinence and currently have two other members I sponsor. I have Ashley, my own sponsor, and the entire Gamblers Anonymous program to thank for this. I had to face my fears, and reproach my denials in order to gain serenity. I accepted that I couldn't gamble like other people, and I accepted that I could never win. I accepted that I am not a talented poker player, and was able to put to rest the fantasy that I could prosper from gambling. For me, one bet will always lead to another until chaos strikes. If I win, I lose. Every single time without fail.

I am so happy I chose GA over GO. Every day is a gift, and I am so lucky to have Ashley still in my life. She is constantly helping me check myself and my potential complacency to disallow this terrible disease from creeping back into my life. Recovery is not a destination, but a beautiful journey- one I'm ecstatic to be undergoing.