Achieving Serenity

Planet Friendly

Sharing the message

When I decided to go to a 45-day treatment center, I was terrified to meet new people. My plan for how I would make it through was simple: I would keep to myself, sit in the back, and make it known to people that I'm quiet so they won't make conversation with me. This was the strategy I have used throughout my entire life at social gatherings from school to holiday dinners. It was the only way I could seem to simmer down the social fear and anxiety I was experiencing when picturing what I thought the treatment center would be like.

I was drunk and high on Xanax when I first arrived. My parents and I walked to the center and the first lady I had met was a nurse who would sign me in and take my vitals. I remember she was very pretty and way nicer than I had expected her to be. I don't even remember much from my first night, but here's what I do recall: I ended up in a bedroom that was connected to a common-area where patients would receive medication. I was thrilled to have some isolation and be in a situation where I wouldn't be bothered, but this particular impression was incorrect. A man almost immediately disturbed me, walking into my room before talking to me in a very friendly manner. I don't have any memory of this conversation or even seeing his face, but this person ended up playing a huge role in my recovery and would go on to talk about my first day when I was high as fuck on Xanax. I also kept a journal and sure enough, did mention the man coming into my room to talk to me, but to this day I still can't remember seeing him in there.

Soon after, some girls came into the room and they all introduced themselves. It was very pleasant to not feel the obligation of having to be the one to break the ice and was a feeling I still can remember today. They went back into the common area where there were a couch and some other recliners, and after noticing I hadn't followed them, one of the girls said: "come be my friend!"

I walked out to be a part of the group and to my amazement, I really did feel like I fitted in. After some small conversation about where we were all from, one of the girls mentioned a first and last name of a kid I hadn't seen since elementary school, who she used to date. I couldn't believe that not only was I around people who made me feel comfortable socializing, I was also with people whom I shared mutual friends with. They talked about why they were at the treatment center and a lot of them had problems that I could surprisingly relate to. The girls invited me out to have a cigarette with them despite the fact that I am not a smoker. I felt the antithesis of the loneliness I had anticipated.

The amicability didn't end. Each and every person there was as friendly and inviting as the girls in the common area. It was as if I was on a different planet- one where everyone was a part of something and nobody was left out. It was impossible to isolate because the desire to do so wasn't even there. It seemed everyone had something that I was beginning to feel I was now receiving myself.

This vivid feeling of community was the perfect introduction to recovery for me. I continued to treat the new patients coming in with the same hospitality that I had received as the love we all felt was infectious. The reason we were able to connect with one another so quickly is because of what we all equally shared. Each and every one of us knew what it was like to first come to this place, and the fear and anger that was associated with it. We all knew we had gotten to tragic points in our lives, but these were all decisions we had made with our best thinking. We all had problems with behaviors and/or substances that were tampering with the manageability of our lives. In short, we all were addicts and all wanted recovery.

When a patient is near the end of their forty-five days, we all get together and have what's called a "coin-off meeting". The person leaving gets the floor for as long as they need it, and they tell their entire story. Afterward, they go around the entire room and give each and every person a personalized goodbye. Then we would go back around the circle, passing around a coin and each person would give their own response. My second night there was a coin-off meeting, and I felt some anxiety as the departing patient went around the group and I prepared for her to have to say something about me- a person she barely even knew. However, she was seemingly a pro at this, obviously having attended many of these meetings where new patients had been present. What she said was so kind and had left me with such genuine comfortability. I remember feeling nervous when it was my turn to talk about her, but I remember making the group laugh and once again feeling like I belonged.

My forty-five days there went by too quickly, even though at times it felt as if I was there for an eternity. We would all sign each other's Narcotics Anonymous book like a yearbook and leave each other our phone numbers. I still have my book, and though many of us have gone our own ways across the globe, I keep in contact with a fair number of them. Even though some of those faces are gone, twelve-step meetings are always available and give me the opportunity to step back into that amicable planet where nobody is left out. It is a truly remarkable and wonderful place to be, and the networking is what drives the recovery.

Narcotics Anonymous is all about the "we"message. It is important to know that you are not alone no matter how strangeor complex your struggles may be. It's important to have others in your lifewho can keep you in check in case you aren't able to identify the smoke beforeit turns to fire. Without my sponsor, I would have most likely gone idle frommeeting attendance, growing complacent in my abstinence. When I am able to takethe program seriously and work the twelve steps with mindful and diligenteffort, I become a part of a community and people will care if I do not showup. The mere act of sharing recovery and experiences is a miraculous event thataids both the speaker and the audience. We all have something to contribute tothis beautiful world and never have to go through our struggles alone.