Achieving Serenity

Improvisation

The power of comedy

I don't know if I was really going to do it, but the way I had imagined it in my head was so vivid and enticing I can't really say for sure. I had wanted to die for years and the suicide I was concocting was tightening to the point where I had a set date, and a detailed plan. This all happened about fifteen years ago.

It just seemed like life was some impossible game that I was going to slave away at my entire life before realizing it was all for nothing. The relationships I had in my life were so dull with such surface conversations that I didn't even feel comfortable around my own family. I missed being a child with a limited view of the enormous world, and optimistic ideas that evidence had not yet shattered.

Nobody noticed me at the college campus I went to, and the nights in my studio were growing lonelier by ever aching hour. My parents were too focused on their law firm to pay me any mind, and my father would belittle me any time I displayed weakness. They wouldn't even pay to get me to see a therapist which was something I wanted to do, but we couldn't afford. Even with insurance coverage, my dad would shun it, treating it as something that kept people stagnate and gave them an excuse to sloth away.

I was browsing through the internet on the night of the set date – November 5th. I wanted to know the least painful way to hang yourself, as I wanted to be over with as quickly as possible. The Google Search led me to a YouTube video that, if anything, sparked a curiosity. A question that needed an answer. The video was called "Suck a Bag of Dicks."

It was a video a comedian performing a stand-up set, and it actually had me laughing out loud right away. It got to a point where I had a pain in my chest from my uncontrollable laughter. I ended up watching other videos of the same comedian and the next thing I realized is I had completely forgotten about my worries. I couldn't even recall the last waking moment I had when I wasn't angry at the world, but it finally happened. Stand-up comedy was something I never really liked, but this guy was knocking it out of the park. I actually felt okay about my life and had a sudden thought of "was I really about to kill myself?"

I wanted to do comedy. I didn't care if it was stand-up or what it was- but I wanted what that guy had. To be able to bring laughter into a dark world.

Roger Brucietti had achieved his dreams of becoming a comedian, and gone way beyond, but today all he thought about were the past comedians that met their demise to a suicide. Were his thoughts about to manifest into one of these stories? He was tired of being lonely, but worse he was tired of feeling hated by the world.

In the wake of several sexual accusations coming against well-respected celebrities, Roger released a written apology to the public. He felt it was genuine and coming from his heart, but he couldn't help but be frustrated by the response. Roger had taken advantage of his status in the comedy world and used his riches to invite struggling women comedians to his penthouse. He would pay them to pleasure themselves in front of him, often giving them sums of money they felt they could not turn down.

He sat back for two years before returning to the scene. He had a lot of jokes that he wanted to try out, and no longer cared about the ramifications of his words. It was as if the world was a middle school cafeteria, and they had just found out he is a pervert. Nobody wanted to sit with him, and everyone gained status points by taking down about him. This was something that would be over with, just as the first time he bombed.

But it wasn't going away. His newest set is deemed even more offensive, and the Twitter community is in an uproar. He is shamed by prestigious networks, and it appears he can't even go back to what he loves most. It seems his own children don't respect him, and no woman ever wants to be known as his girlfriend. Suicide seemed like the only answer. Life wasn't that important anyway, and he figured since he's going to die anyway, he might as well take control and do it himself.

He had drunk several shots of whiskey before going to Google to find the most humane way to hang himself. Roger clicked over to his Twitter page so he could read some more hate about himself to fuel his upcoming decision. He goes through his direct messages, and one catches his eye. It says:

Hey Roger. I still remember how suicidal I once felt, like my whole world was in darkness and I just felt useless and lonely. I was going to sleep but just mindlessly browsing through the internet, when I found a YouTube video of you performing the "Suck a Bag of Dicks" bit. I went from a pain in my heart to a pain in my chest from uncontrollable laughter. You have always been my favorite comedian, and make me feel happy about the inevitable, depressing things in life. Your newest leaked set was just what I needed to get a boost through my day, as you proved you still deliver bringing me to that euphoric laugh- the laugh that hurts, where it's impossible to think about any troubles at that moment. You are FEARLESS and truly an inspiration! Please don't let the internet get you down. You make people happy; that's what you always will do.

In short, thank you for all the laughs. And all the times you made me feel like everything was going to be okay.

Roger smiled. He was in a bad place in his mind- only focusing on the blatant negative hate. But he had forgotten about his own true followers. For the first time in years, Roger feels like the good person he is and decides he is happy being himself.