Achieving Serenity

Open Windows

Be a good neighbor

I arrived at my one-bedroom apartment to see a small package at the doorstep. I took it inside to see it had no note but was a $25 gift card to Amazon. Who could this be from? The only possible candidates seemed to suggest my family, but they lived so far away I don't know how they could just drop it off. This was a nice, faith-restoring feeling that I got which was a nice break from my usual pathetic sadness and loneliness.

I know that I need to find a job, but at the same time, I am not afraid of the consequences that will inevitably arise if I choose not to find one. It seems my parents are more fearful than I am of becoming homeless, and as a result, they continue to help me pay rent. I learned that no matter how much money I make per month, my parents are willing to front the rest of my bills. Feeling overwhelmed and empty from my full-time job, I decided to quit one day to try and focus on a different path. Any other path.

I've been living a stagnant lifestyle for the past three months and it was becoming more apparent by the day that my life was slowly deteriorating. It was a rainy day and I decided to check the Internet to see if it had anything good to tell me. That was pretty much the entirety of my day- refreshing webpages on mindless social media and online forums. I could hear the neighbor that lived behind me yelling again; I muted the YouTube video I was watching to more effectively eavesdrop.

I really couldn't make out any of the words she was saying- all I could deduce was that she was in a messy relationship mainly driven by alcohol and drug abuse. I felt like it was any day now that I would hear a gunshot coming from that room, as it seemed every day was a new reason to scream. My computer screen went idle from my gossipy curiosity as I heard an intense SLAM! that made me jump. I rolled my eyes as I realized my other neighbors from across the way. They ALWAYS slammed their door at any hour of the day as if having just leaving an argument, and at first I thought that was the case. After months of putting up with the intermittent startles, I can only assume their door has gone sticky from the haphazard weather changes. I need to buy them some WD-40.

I decided to have a smoke on my patio, and it was at that moment that I realize I hated where I lived. My upstairs neighbor was cool and I never had any problems with her, though I do sometimes get annoyed from what sounds like brick stomping. It wasn't as bad as the occupant before her, so I had to admit she was the only neighbor I actually liked despite us never interacting once in the six months since she moved in. I took a drag from my cigarette as I realized I wished I was high, and upon exhaling I put down my lit cigarette atop the ashtray and walked back inside my apartment. I loaded a quick bowl of weed into my bong and smoked it quickly so I could return to my burning cigarette.

I can't even remember the last time I've gone through an entire day without smoking. I loved both marijuana and tobacco, as together they proved to be my one reliable outlet. I could always expect to be taken away from my worries and insecurities so long as I keep myself equipped with the proper amount of both weed and cigarettes. Whenever I would run out, I would always become even more depressed, and lose all my motivation to do anything at all. I would spend my days scraping whatever I could muster together and taking naps to avoid the dreaded feeling of sobriety.

I was at a gas station about a year ago, picking up a fountain drink and a pack of cigs. I filled up a large, transparent cup with Dr. Pepper, and stood in the surprisingly lengthy line trying to look as normal as possible so as to not draw any attention. I always kept to myself in public places and gave short generic answers to let people know I'm not interested in conversations. There was a joyous bald man in front of me, and he turned around and after eying my drink, he emoted out an audible sigh of disgust.

"That stuff's going to kill you man!" he said. "All that soda-you may as well order your casket today!"

I laughed and gave the man a non-threatening smile. "You're right! It's just so good, but you're right!"