Achieving Serenity

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I am a damn good poker player. For the past three years, I have been spending almost every waking hour of my life studying the game. I'm twenty years old, currently living at my parent's house but the way I have been running lately, that won't be the case for long. I only play online, but in nine months I'll be able to finally walk into a casino legally.

I got out of bed just a few minutes ago and am now setting up my "office" for today's session. I am going to record myself playing, narrating each of my moves. I am hoping to get a YouTube channel going and make even more money from there.

I set up my webcam and cued the video software to record my screen. I opened up the online poker lobby, seeing the familiar graphics load up as I felt the sweet euphoria kicking in. The games loaded and checked my balance- $389. It was noon on a Sunday- an ideal time for big tournaments with great value. My eyes scanned through the many juicy games running, and several more coming up. I was in Heaven.

I tabbed over to my video software and clicked the red dot to begin recording, before returning the online lobby.

"Hey everybody, it's Big Jonah, about to get into a tournament. Let's see." I joined a $60 Turbo game only one hand late and was greeted with two Aces immediately dealt to me.

"Okay- we're already getting action!" I said, eyeing the webcam. I raised the raiser before he quickly shoved all-in. I snap-called to quickly double up against his pocket tens, already gaining the confidence needed to secure first place. I checked the lobby details to notice the beautiful prize table- a cool $5,000 for the winner. Upon checking the ranking I could confirm I was indeed the chip leader.

"This is good we are in a great place to take this down. Looks like my next hand is the Ten-Jack suited, so I'm going to continue betting strong pre-flop. And nobody calls. Great, I'll take it. Next up we got the Queen-Eight off-suit. I'm under the gun here- I'm going to go ahead and keep raising. Okay, we got some folds... and the big blind will defend. So it's me and jakeSabbath going heads up.

Eight, Ten, Ace rainbow on the flop. I'm going to throw out a continuation bet since I paired my eight. Okay, looks like he is raising to two-thousand. I have him covered and then some, so let's take a look at the turn.

The turn is another Ten, I'm guessing he has Ace-King. I'm going to check it to him. Okay, he wants to bet 3,200... I'm going to pull a fast one here and represent a ten. Raise all-in. Okay, he has snap called me with Ace-King, and I need another Eight. King on the River means I lost that one- but that's okay we're still in this.

Okay, great! Pocket Queens on the Big Blind, I'm running pretty good in this tournament so far. Let's see what happens. Okay, middle-position is raising and we got some callers. I'm going to three-bet this to three-thousand. And now he's shoving all-in. Okay, so he's probably got Ace-King so I'm going to do the coin flip. It folds to me and I call. And... he's got pocket kings.

Okay, I'm out, but that's okay- it's Sunday so we've got lots of tournaments today! Let's see, I'm going to jump in this $250 6-max."

I lost the first hand and became quiet after that. It only took me four minutes before I was eliminated. I checked my account balance to see that I still had $79 left. I clicked on "Casino" to join a quick Blackjack game in the hopes to recoup some of those quick losses. Two minutes later, I was back at the poker lobby with humiliating remorse and sadness- a complete antithetical emotion from only moments ago.

I tried making thirty-three more videos just like that one, and all of them were just as pathetic. I became fascinated with watching the way I looked the precise moment I was eliminated from a tournament- the crushed hope spewing out through expletives and at times violent outbursts. I ended up breaking my mouse and making a crack in my bedroom window in addition to the standard drywall burrow.

I made a compilation of all the moments I was eliminated and watched them and began to feel sorry for myself. It was strange seeing me as somebody who wasn't me. It was as if I was seeing me the way my parents see me.

It was at that moment I realized how grateful I was to have parents who loved and cared about me. I thought about one of my good friends who has a very rough relationship with his mother. She smokes marijuana and lets him do the same. I'm so happy that my mother doesn't smoke weed. I would be so bummed if my mother ever became addicted to something the way I am addicted to gambling.

I was seated at my computer feeling depressed, with no motivation to do anything. I needed to get a job- I couldn't rely on gambling. This path was heading me nowhere but toward miserable isolation. My hand was on my new mouse, watching my desktop background as I felt hopeless boredom encompassing me.

I turned my webcam on.

"Hey everybody. It's Jonah- I just wanted to talk a little bit about gambling addiction. I take a look at my life, and the way I feel on a daily basis- and I cannot deny the facts any longer. I am a compulsive gambler.

I'm tired of my living to merely chase a jackpot because that's all it has been for the past three years. Whenever I feel sad or worthless, the only thing that makes me feel better is knowing I can gamble again. I'm only a few bets away from solving all my problems.

Whenever I'm with family or any obligated event, I'm not even mentally present. I was at a movie with my mother a few weeks back. Every twenty minutes or so I pulled out my phone and checked the score of a basketball game. I ended up going to the bathroom and placing several more bets. When I returned to the movie, I became so antsy that I convinced my mother we should walk out of the movie. It wasn't that great of a movie, but honestly, I wouldn't know.

I want to live and cherish every waking moment I spend with my mother. I don't ever want to ever feel enslaved to a vice that does nothing but make my life worse. Gambling is an illusion. It gets you high and leaves you wanting more. If I truly want to feel high all the time- the only way I can do that is through abstinence and recovery.

Gambling, drugs, and alcohol make me feel okay with living a stagnate lifestyle. They make me feel fine with insecurities, and they make my misery tolerable. If I continue to gamble and use drugs, I will continue to need gambling and drugs. I need to go to Gamblers Anonymous so I can be around people who know the pathway to freedom. I want nothing more than to feel the serene sensation of pure freedom."

I ended up going to Gamblers Anonymous and making several more videos like the one above. Though they weren't a huge hit- my videos did get way more hits than I anticipated. I could tell based on the feedback I was reading that I was truly helping someone. In truth- that's all I was ever trying to do with my narration ventures.