A Chance at Happiness

39. Confessions

- Now, Nathan I have done everything you asked from me, showing you memories that you had absolutely no right to see, just to make sure that you believe me. It's time for your confession, I believe. I will inform you Mom that we will spend the night here and I expect you to tell me whatever troubles you in our relationship. Is this understood ? Severus was calm but firm in his expectations from his son.

- A deal is a deal, Dad. You were open and honest and I will be open and honest too. Would you like me to show you my memories ?

- Yes, but not now. First I have some questions to ask you, he replied.

- Anything.

- If you had the option of changing something in our relationship, during the past years of course, what would you choose ? You can select more than one attributes of course.

Nathan felt a bit reluctant but started talking immediately.

- I want you to promise me that you won't get angry at me. I am a bit oversensitive during the past months, and I wish to remain calm.

Severus nodded and replied:

- If I feel the urge to get angry and shout, I will ask you to just pause for a couple of minutes. Deal?

- Perfect! Nathan said and continued.

- If I could change something in our relationship, it would be the freedom of speaking out our thoughts. And things about intimacy. I don't know why I feel so insecure about letting you down. Devon once told me that a father's love must not be taken for granted. Well, I believe it is true. I think that if I were not the son you would expect me to be, then you wouldn't love me any more. So, what I would change: moments of intimacy that could have grown us stronger. Like having a bath together. Playing together. I never recall playing together. I remember studying. I remember having you as a Teacher, but never as an older friend. I would like it if we played games, exploding snap , quidditch, anything else

Severus interrupted his son:

- Do you think I was too distant ? Too strict ? Too rigid ?

- I think distant, yes , not always, but some times yes. I also had the feeling that you would be angry at me if I told you what I needed/wanted/wished for e.t.c. I would never tell you about the Dark Arts, if I could.

- Do you think I would send you away ?

- No. I am afraid that you wouldn't like me any more.

- OK, this is not true. But thank you for telling me. What else ?

- I would like it if you trusted me more. You tried to hide the truth, because you thought you would protect me. But I felt more insecure. Like Devon's death.

- You were unstable.

- I was unstable, yes, but I thought you would tell me everything and not hide from me the truth. I hate it when you are trying to protect me like that. I am not a kid.

- You are right. You are not a kid, Severus agreed.

- Well, that's it. I don't want you to treat me like a kid.

- What else ?

- I want to spend more time with you as a father and son, not as a Professor

- I want that too.

- What else ?

- I want a hug right now.

Severus smiled and approached his son, hugging him.

- Has anyone ever hurt you, Nathan ? he whispered.

- Only the beatings I have already told you. Nothing else.

- Are you sure ?

- I am . You keep asking this. Why ?

- I am afraid that some memories might be suppressed, that's all.

- But you have checked for any kind of abuse, and everything turned out fine.

- Physically, yes, but psychologically ?

- I have been through many difficulties, as you have too Dad. Some things never heal properly and they leave scars.

Severus nodded.

- If you could change something in me, what would that be?

- I would change your age.

Severus gaped.

- My age ?

- Well, yes.

It was one thing he never expected from Nathan.

- Would you like to have a younger father ?

- Yes, I would. But not because I don't like you. I believe you would be less insecure if you were younger. Especially with Mom. You would be happier and more confident.

- I am not that old.

- Well, yes, I know that. But do you know that ? I think sometimes you feel old, despite you being quite young actually. I believe it is a side effect of Mom's incredible young age.

- So you would do me favour huh ?

- Something like that, Dad. What would you change in me?

- I wouldn't change anything. Well, second though... maybe I would also change your age. I would turn you back to the age I left you when I was incarcerated. I would like to fill the gap.

- I would like that too, if we had the option.

They both fell silent.

Nathan was the first to speak:

- Well, what do we do now ? I think we have spotted the problem. Psychological scars.

- We can do many things. We can talk openly and freely. We can spend some time together just the two of us.

- Can I sleep with you tonight ?

- Yes, you may.

Nathan smiled.

- Is physical contact what you miss the most ?

- Well, to be honest, yes, I think I do. But I feel awkward to constantly ask you for hugs and kisses. I will be 16 soon.

- It is only natural. We have missed a lot of physical contact when we were apart. Let's agree then that we will have one full day and night together per week. Just the two of us. Talking , eating, hugging, reading stories, whatever makes us happy, forgetting our age and eliminating any barriers.

- I would love that. But not as a part of me being incapable to take after myself.

- No, of course not. You are not incapable to take care of yourself, after all. Anyway, I will order us to eat here, in our room, ok ?

- Sure , Dad perfect. Can I go have a bath ?

- Yes, of course.

Nathan was laying in the bathtub, when his father knocked the door.

- Come in ,Dad !

Severus opened the door.

- I was wondering if you would like some company. I need to shave.

- Sure, he replied smiling.

They started talking making plans for the next days, while Charlotte sent her patronus to inform them that she expected them back tomorrow afternoon, since she had planned a full spa for her.