Fault

Chapter 36

The phone rang a good six times before it went to voicemail. Unfortunately, the one person I needed the most for comfort wasn't available. Although initially beaten with disappointment because of it, I subsequently laughed after realizing my mother was probably sleeping. Chicago is on a Central time zone, while Washington is two hours behind on Pacific. I'm sure at some point she'll call my phone full of worry, and wondering why I hit her line at 5 am— now I wish I hadn't.

After slipping my phone into my coat pocket, I sat quietly people watching for a few moments before reality hit. No matter how upset or depressed I was at the moment, life around me was still moving forward and did so without a care for my benefit—it was time for me to do the same, I suppose.

Suddenly my distracted thoughts were interrupted the vibrations of my cell. I answered.

"Umm, excuse me! What happened to the quote-unquote 'play-by-play' messages you promised?" Mone' fussed.

"Oh, my bad. So much is going on right now, but I'm actually about to head back your way. Gimmie like twenty minutes and I'll be there, aight."

"Oh!" She uttered in shock. "Well, do you need me to come and get you?"

"Nah, Nah, relax! There's no reason to have you rushing with the baby. I'll just see you in a bit."

Overall, it was a huge relief that Mone' didn't bombard me with a million questions. No matter what comes up in my life she's always the first to get the scoop without ever having to pry, and she knows this. Most people would've hit me with something like, "what happened?" or "what are you going to do now?" Even if she had asked me anything of the sort, the God's honest truth was...I had no idea. There wasn't thought of a backup plan before I ran out of the clinic. For the most part, running out was nothing more than the physical manifestation of me running from my problems. It wasn't right, but I was temporarily happy with that decision.

The rest of the day was chill, and for the moment, I was pretending as if the entire situation had never happened—every part of it! Mone', being the only individual privy to the ordeal kindly and graciously enabled me to as well. For the first time in a while, with her support, I actually felt guiltless and worry-free.

Everyone deserves a little bit of peace in this way," I thought while leaning my head and arms against the back of the sofa cushions. Mone' walked into the living room.

"Well, look who's feeling much better!" she said coming to seat herself next to me.

"Oh, I definitely am! So, let's go hang out downtown or something...just to get out the house. She agreed.

We spent the rest of the day ditching work and school to play hooky at the Shedd Aquarium. Jamal was too young to appreciate the sights of the indoor marine wildlife, but we had an amazing day nonetheless. The uninterrupted quality time with the baby and Mone' was exactly what I needed to regroup. Unfortunately, that meant everyone else had been neglected. After checking back into reality, I noted a couple of texts and voicemails from my mother, Tionna and Jeremy. One by one, I texted each back accordingly, including a request for Jeremy to meet me back at my house in the next 30 minutes or so.

"Did I do something wrong?" He inquired directly.

"No, we just need to talk," I responded.

With the heaviness of depression and life weighing me down, I decided to regain control of my happiness. This to me meant removing unnecessary pressure and anything that was causing chaos in my life. Anyone who took from my happiness would need to keep their distance, starting with the people closest. Why? Because those nearest to me had the biggest effect on my mood, so they needed to understand...specifically, Jeremy!

After pulling up to my house, I saw that Jeremy had made it there before me. Instead of going inside, I switched from Mone's vehicle to his and got straight to business. For whatever reason, I felt it necessary to fill him in on the day's events, despite knowing that he would feel a way. It wasn't clear to me yet whether I merely wanted to see his reaction to the news, or if I was simply looking for some sympathy or even direction. Either way, the truth came out.

"So you're telling me, this morning you snuck off to kill my child, but changed your mind and ran out?" He said, poorly paraphrasing my words. "Then, after ignoring all my calls and texts, you proceeded to kick it downtown with your friend for hours..."

"Something like that. It's crazy, I know! But, for some reason, it sounded much worse when you said it..."

"But, that's pretty much what happened though, right."

"I guess..."

His expression was unreadable. I couldn't say for sure if he was angry that I went to the clinic in the first place, relieved that I didn't go through with the abortion, or confused by the matter as a whole. His whole vibe was just downright...unreadable.

"So, now you're sitting in front of me...still pregnant. After all this, I just need to know how you have the guts?" He questioned, slightly patronizing.

"Look, what's done is done! I went there without telling you, and for that part alone, I'm sorry! But, honestly, you and I together are unstable in every facet of the word. Babe, listen! You gotta start thinking logically, and not just about what makes you feel good. Right now, logic tells me that even though I'm in love with you, I feel our future is uncertain. So, we..."

"So, now you're saying we're not going to be together forever...?"

"No, Jeremy, that's not what I'm saying! You're missing the entire point. DAMN! Look at the whole forest and not just the tree!"

"I'm completely lost..."

"What I'm trying to say is...when we fall in love, people like to imagine that they'll be with that person FOREVER. But realistically, common sense tells me that life SOMETIMES deals you a different hand than expected. You never know what can happen with us in the future...our love may not be 'forever.' 

"Wooow..." He said.

"I just hate the thought of bringing an innocent life into this world under this circumstance and under so much uncertainty. We've only been together for like 8 months! We wore a condom and it didn't work out for us...so don't be mad about what I almost did today. Move past all that! Instead, let's just be together and enjoy what we have...if not then, whatever! We'll just move on...but can we at least be happy?"

After my speech, the car echoed with silence for the next to seconds.

"Jeremy, I hate seeing you upset, can you please say something?"

"Alright," he said nonchalantly. "Let's just do it your way and see where it gets you. In the meantime, I gotta go.."

"Go? Go where? You just got here."

"I'm going to be happy like you suggested! Have a good night though! Don't worry, I'll be here to drop you off for school in the morning if you want. I don't know though, would that make you happy?" He remarked sarcastically. 

Because I felt an argument brewing, I haphazardly got myself and the baby out of his car. There were no additional words between us during that time.

Then with absolute uncertainty lingering in the air, he peeled off in his vehicle causing the car door to shut on its own...