Fault

Chapter 37

For as long as I can remember, I've always had an issue with change. Navigating unfamiliar territory is completely distressing to me, especially when it comes to the men in my life. It's my personal belief that this matter of contention stems from when I was a young girl at the tender age of 12. I'll never forget hearing the words that the man I grew up thinking to be my father, was biologically not.

My father, or "stepfather" technically, wasn't always the perfect man that many believed him to be behind closed doors— but, who in this world is perfect? Anyhow, after a fit of rage from something he had done, my mother casually broke the news to me while doing my hair one Saturday afternoon.

"Shauna, how would you feel if I told you that your dad wasn't your real father?" She inquired, testing my reaction.

"I don't know, I guess I wouldn't really care. He's always mean anyway," I responded naively. Not realizing how much it would change me later in life.

"Well, he's not..." she replied spitefully.

A day or so after this conversation, somehow my dad got wind of the news. It's possible that he may have previously speculated something in the past because I was oddly lighter than everyone in my family. But, once the truth was confirmed by my mother, s**t really hit the fan. From that point forward, I was treated slightly different as the middle child of five other siblings. The changes by him were often subtle, but being the intuitive cancer that I was, I felt every bit of it, and I was not okay.

When I think back on situations that have reminded me of what subtle changes can turn into, I realize that my gut had always recognized the flags beforehand in some form or fashion. Intuition would offer me a fair warning, then leave how to handle the circumstance up to me or fate, for that matter. My relationship with Jeremy was no different. However, it was difficult for me to decipher whether the red flags were genuinely that, because the good times were so amazing— perhaps I was over analyzing things per usual...

At this point, two weeks had passed since the last tumultuous encounter with Jeremy back when he had driven off without a word. While things were great between us now, there was no denying the fact that they were also very different— he was different. He was no longer secure in the relationship after what I had told him during that exchange and began accusing me of talking to other guys.

Wanting so badly to prove that I was down for him and only him, I distanced myself from several of the men that he didn't approve of. Since we were building, it was important to demonstrate my loyalty and also to show that he was my number one priority AFTER my son, of course. Lately, it never seemed to be enough.

"Shi Shi, I know how men are alright! You believe you're friends with these guys but the truth is, no man wants to be friends with a beautiful woman! THEY JUST WANNA F**K!"

"You're really trippin' right now, Jeremy! I've never slept with any of my close male friends, and you know DAMN WELL I'm not that type of woman! I can count on one hand amount of people I've had sex with...can you?"

"It's not about you...I trust you! It's them! I'm a man so I know how they think. If you don't believe me, ask any one of them n***as if they've ever thought about having sex with you..."

"I'm 8 weeks pregnant, Jeremy! Recognize that you're doin' too much right now, so we can move the f**k on already..."

"Let me see your phone then!" He demanded, holding his hand out.

"Okay, so, I thought you were playing at first, but now it seems like you're serious. Trey used to pull this s**t on me all the time, and I promise you, I'm not going down the same road. If it's a problem, let me know now!" I said, slightly raising my voice.

"You're always bringing up your baby daddy! That's probably his baby you're carrying right now!" Jeremy barked.

"That's it! I'm done!" I screamed, now preparing to leave his house. "I'll find my own way home!"

He allowed me to walk out the door and up the street. But, before I knew what was coming, pain radiated through my arm as I felt myself being violently yanked back in the opposite direction...