What If...?|| A "Dear Evan Hansen" Fanfiction

Chapter One- Senior Year

A few weeks later

He looked down at his phone, noticing he had gotten another e-mail. The same emailer, the only one that he got emails from. And his heart felt for a split second, that feeling of peace. They had been emailing for hours during the day leading up to the first day of the next year. Both nervous as hell about what the year was going to bring for them both.

His mystery emailer had expressed that things had gotten harder between him and his parents, particularly his mom. That after slamming the door, sometimes he wished he had the courage to open it and rush to his mom, apologizing for all he was putting her through. That he wished he could explain that all he did was because, for a moment, he lost control of himself. And she would always be on the receiving end of his blind outbursts. Her and his sister.

Evan, on the other hand, expressed that he wished his mom would just talk to him. That he was lucky because his mom would take the time to try and reach out. Both seemed to have their own struggle, and he found it to be reassuring. But as he read this new email, he only got past the 'Dear Evan Hansen' when he could hear some people shouting at the top of their lungs. His eyes looked up and he saw two people running to each other and high five. He frowned, there were always people like that. Happy to see each other at school when they had spent most of the summer together anyways.

He sighed and lingered at his locker. He truly didn't have anything to put in there, or anything in there in the first place. He just kept the door open and looked at the sharpie in his hand. Maybe, just maybe if he could get even one name on the cast, he could make his mom happy. Especially after such a stellar conversation, they had that morning. Maybe even his therapist would be proud. The letters he was supposed to write to himself hadn't been going very well.

He hardly kept up with them. But what did they expect from him? He was already a disappointment, so it was no shock that he wouldn't be disappointing them over and over. He forced himself to close the door that had been hiding him and turn around to see if he could find someone to sign his cast. So far, the first people he was met with was people as low on the high school spectrum as he was. No offense to them, but he really didn't want their names on his arm for the next few weeks. He had enough reminders of his place in the hell called 'high school'.

He just made his way to his first class, all the while he could feel the sharpie in his had slide from his sweaty palms. Already he had taken two pills and here he was, sweaty and hot. He had focused so hard on trying to calm his sweaty palms that he hadn't even noticed that someone had sat in front of him in his first class, her eyes looking directly at him. He paused, noticing that she was going to try and start a conversation. At least it was someone he knew, Alana Beck.

"How was your summer?" She asked. Her voice seemed to be genuine, but Evan knew she just wanted to talk about herself. But still, had she actually asked him first? He had to be absolutely sure.

"My summer?" He asked, Alana simply leaning back on her chair.

"My summer was so productive. 90 hours of community service, I know... wow. Three internships. I'm so proud of myself."

Evan frowned, just listening to her go on about how well she did at the internships when he was reminded of the sharpie in his hand. He could ask her to sign it. A name he would recognize to sit on his arm for the next few weeks. It didn't seem too bad. Alana was always doing something good for other people, and he didn't think she of all people would turn down signing his cast... would she?

"Oh my God!" He finally clued into what she was saying. "What happened to your arm?"

He hummed for a moment, at a loss of what to say. Should he explain? Or just ask her to sign it right there and then? Well, both seemed to be lame as he thought about it, but then she once again chimed in with a story of her own. "My grandma broke her hip getting into the bathtub, she died."

"That's terrible-" Evan said, trying to sound genuinely sad for her loss when she nodded and turned in her chair. That's what I get for stalling...He returned the sharpie to his pocket.

"Happy first day!"

He just stared forward, the rest of the class piling in as the bell rang. His eyes caught the only one he was relieved to see- Jared Kleinman making his way to him, a smirk on his face. He was going to get the insult of his life, but such was Jared's interactions.

"You must be the first person in history to break their arm jerking off. You know, I can see it, Zoe's Instagram open and there you are-"

"OKAY-" Evan shouted, almost too loud, earning a look from Alana. Hopefully, she knew that he was just joking. And hopefully, she wouldn't repeat what he said.

"Do you want to know what really happened?" He asked, Jared's eyes narrowing.

"Not really," He replied, making Evan frown. He was going to say it anyway.

"I fell. From a tree.

"Really?" Jared's eyebrows rose, and Evan knew what he was thinking. Jared was embarrassed for him. And that just made him feel great. Yet somehow his lips kept moving, and he explained the rest. "It was weird. I lay there for a good 10 minutes just thinking that someone was on their way. Someone was coming for me and would be there. Any minute... No one came."

"Jesus, Christ... You might want to take out that last part... you know what? Just make up the whole thing. Like the jerking off. It's way funnier..."

"Right. How was your summer?" Evan just wanted to change the subject, and Jared gladly took the bait.

"I got a second base with some girl from Israel. Like handsy under the bra, sort of second base. Does that answer your question?"

Evan regretted asking nearly instantly. He hummed and reached a sweaty hand for the sharpie he had in his pocket. "Actually..." He said, holding out to his friend who eyed it like it was the plague being handed to him. Evan frowning as he leaned away from it. Overreaction, much? "You 'wanna sign my cast?"

"Why would I?" Jared's voice sounded as disgusted as his face looked. Evan simply shoved the sharpie forward a little more. "Because you're my friend."

"Family friend. There's a difference."

Shouldn't we be closer than normal friends then? Evan asked himself, sighing and putting the Sharpie down on the desk. Jared might be a dick, but Evan only had one friend, and as sad as it was, Jared was it. Did that make Jared his best friend?

"It would be a huge help. My mom is on me to get some kids to sign it for me..."

"Then get someone else. Look, can you tell your mom that I was nice to you? My mom won't pay for my car insurance if I'm not."

Then you could be kind enough to sign it for me... Evan thought to himself, taking the Sharpie and slipping it into his pocket. "Yeah... Sure."

"Thanks!" With that, Jared was off to find another seat, when suddenly Evan's senses were filled with a smell. The strong smell that everyone recognized right away... Weed. He looked up to see a taller boy there, one that everyone recognized. He had grown his hair out during the summer, but still wore the same black sweatshirt Evan had seen him in all year previous. Still smelled of weed and looked as miserable as ever. Connor Murphy.

"Late on the first day, are we Mr. Murphy?" The teacher called to him across the room. But as Evan observed, he only saw the boy's face scrunch up like he was getting ready to clock the teacher right in the nose. His hand tightened around the strap of his school bag. But much to his relief, Connor decided to just say nothing and go to his seat a few seats ahead of him.

The class was able to start. And as the teacher did his whole 'outline of the semester' talk that every teacher was going to do that day, Connor pulled out a sketchbook. I didn't know Connor enjoyed art... he thought to himself, drawing his attention back to the teacher.

Maybe the first day won't be too bad, Evan thought to himself, making a mental note to write the letter to himself before it came to an end.

The day seemed to go by the way he had expected. Not very many people talked to him, and he didn't ask anyone new to sign his cast. He reminded the teachers that he hoped to be called 'Evan' rather than his first name which was 'Mark' (he had preferred Evan over Mark for years now).

And before he knew it, it was lunchtime.

That's when shit hit the fan.