Behind Closed Doors ( Chris Motionless)

Chapter 24: Stressed and depressed

Soon after Chris came back in his pajama pants and bare chest holding snacks and some movies. He sets the snacks on the bed and puts one of the movies in the dvd player, crawling in the bed, waiting for me to hop in. I just stood there frozen.

"Babe, come on, the movie is starting," he demanded, patting the empty spot next to him.

I remained still.

"L...what's wrong? You look...choked up about something, you wanna talk?"

Yes. I do want to talk. But my mouth wouldn't open, and I couldn't move, nor breathe. I was so nervous and so scared, my nerves just shut down on me. I didn't know what to do. Or what to say. Chris shifted from the bed, and studied my face.

"Is there something that you need to say?"

I wanted to say yes, but instead, I shook my head no. Chris let out a relieved sigh, and pulled me in bed with him. We watched the movies, and relaxed, and cuddled like Chris said we would. He was the first one to fall asleep, I was stuck watching Dead Silence, but I wasn't really paying attention. I was thinking about how horrible I feel about this whole situation, and how I'm possibly going to lose Chris. The first person who ever cared for me. I began to cry, and felt disgusted about myself.

I slid from Chris's arms and slowly walked to the kitchen and opened up the drawers. I found what I was looking for, and leaned over the sink with the sharp knife, so the blood could drip in the sink. The stress began to flow away as I slid the knife on my nearly healed skin.

Drip.
Drip.
Drip.

I could hear my blood drip into the sink. I sniffled, and continue to let out all the stress I had left, I cut deeper and swiftly. After a few minutes, I stopped and ran the water over the blood and the bloody knife, and cleaned up my arm, changing into a long sleeved shirt. It was only 2:00 in the morning and I wasn't even tired. I tried lying next to Chris and try to sleep, but it didn't help. Neither did turning off the tv.

I gave up hours later and made some tea, and wandered around the big house. I never really had a chance to search through the whole house, so I helped myself. I hit the stairs and entered some rooms. I headed back upstairs and slowly walked passed my room, and entered Chris's. I'd haven't seen his yet.

It was huge, and beautiful. Huge bed with black and red linen, and misfits merch and hockey merch everywhere. The tv was humongous also, and on top of that, there was a deck. I stepped out onto the deck and looked at the beautiful view of the sky, with the moon and the stars. I sighed and left his room, and went downstairs again after grabbing some sleeping pills from my purse in my room. I headed for the basement. Ofcourse it was big and really cold, and there were old band equipment. It must've what Chris and the guys used when they first started out. I grabbed a guitar, and hooked it up to the amp, setting up the mic. I talked into it. The equipment still worked like new.

I wiped some tears from my face as flashbacks of my mother popped into my head and the situation with chris  ricky. I popped a few pills, and I began singing.

"don't you dare to breathe me in...
baby, I'm just a toxic waste..
and yes I know, I'm up way to late, but there's something, I need to say..."

I strummed on the guitar and continued singing whatever words came to mind.

"I've been through so much shit for the past 9 years, and ever since then, baby all I have left are tears, put down, beat up, can't take no more, been called many names, even a whore, but I still stayed silent and scared because no one cared to listen...no one except youuuu!!! No one but youu!! No one but you.."