Behind Closed Doors ( Chris Motionless)

Chapter 29:The real me

"Fuck me until we disappear," he whispers in my ear.

"No, Chris, stop, I'm not even sober enough to do this shit, move!!" I say as I smack him repeatedly. After my last smack I gave him to the chest, I felt my stomach bubbling up, I immediately pushed him off of me and ran out the car, leaning over, puking in the grass.

"ah, fuck..." I said as I wipe my mouth. I could see Chris slowly climbing out the car, then walking towards me. He then jumped back a little as I puked up some more. He kneeled behind me, and patted my back. I crawled away from the puke, wiping my mouth again, and sat far away from the puke and chris. I was so mad at him for trying to take advantage of me while I was drunk. I'm sobering up though.

He ran to the car and grabbed a green soda can, running back to me handing it to me. It was sprite.

"Drink it," he demanded, as he sat down next to me. I tugged on my jacket .

I opened the can and took sips of it.

"Listen," he says as he tucks his hair behind his ear.

"I'm really sorry for trying to take advantage of you...I don't know what I was thinking..." He continued, looking at his hands.

I took another sip.

"I'm also sorry for...throwing your mother into our argument. It should've never came out my mouth. I was just...so mad and...hurt...I wanted you to feel the same way too, and I thought that was the way to do it, you know?" he added, still watching his hands as he rubs them against each other, then balling them into fists.

"And no, I don't hate you, Liz...I was pissed off, you know I have a bad temper...I...I love you...I still l love you,"

I took down a big gulp of sprite and stared at him with wide eyes. He looks back at me, eyes filled with sorrow. He looks back down at his hands.

"Ah, what the hell am I talking about? It's late...you have work in four hours, let's get you home," he helps me up and puts my arm over his neck as we walk towards the car.

It began to rain, and the drive home seemed like it took longer to get there than it should. I watched the rain go down the window, watching each drop racing for the bottom. All I could think of those words he spoke. "I still love you," did he mean it? Or was he just saying that to get a reaction out of me? Like Maria said, words doesn't mean anything anymore, it's all about the actions. I need to take in her advice for myself too, but I don't know how. Of course I still love Chris. I still get butterflies thinking about him, chills still go down my spine when we have physical contact. I still smile just thinking about his smile.

I begin to get a slight headache, so I take down my ponytail and let my hair loose. My hair was definitely getting longer. About a year ago I could say my hair was to my shoulders. Now, my hair is down to my breasts. I sighed and looked down at my dress. Chris was right, I DO hate dresses. I can't sit comfortably in them, like I always sit criss crossed, and I can't sit like that in a dress. I also hate heels. They hurt, and I can rarely stand in them for more than five minutes, which is why I took off my heels often in the club while Maria and I were dancing.

When we got home, I immediately went straight for my room, closing the door behind me. I sit on my bed, scrolling through instagram, I stop on a certain pic and stare at it. It was a selfie of chris, captioned "I want you," who does he want? He looked a bit depressed and sad, but then again the quality of the pic wasl kinda bad, and his eyeshadow was covering his eyes. A tear escaped my eye. I am such a cry baby. I put my phone on the charger, and began sliding off my jacket, then Chris came in.

"Hey, have you seen the-" he cut himself off when he saw the cuts on my arms, I quickly slide on my jacket, trying to push him out, but he grabbed my wrists and slid up my sleeves, revealing the cuts. They weren't as bad as before, but they were still noticeable.

"You promised, Liz!"

"I know! I can't help it!" I said as I throw my hands in the air.

"Yes, you can, liz, you can talk to me!"

"I can talk to you, but I'll still feel the same! There is no making me feel better permanently, chris! Face it, I have a problem, and I can't fix it!"

"Yes, you can!"

"WHY DO YOU THINK SO?!?!"

"BECAUSE I LOVE YOU, AND I BELIEVE IN YOU!!!"

Everything got quiet. He cleared his throat.

"I'm sorry, I should've knocked...just please, I'm begging you...stop doing this to yourself before you end up in the hospital, or down in the ground," the last part probably broke his heart, as his voice cracked when he spoke those very words. "Down in the ground,"

We just stared at each other. He rubs his eyes, and excused himself, leaving my room, closing the door behind him.

I've never seen chris cry before. I've seen tears escape his eyes, but I've never seen him cried. I sniffled as I take out my Joker shorts, and a blue spaghetti strapped shirt, and headed for the bathroom, turning on the shower.

After struggle out my dress and hoping in the shower, I begin to think of all the times chris has made me smile, and laugh, and how many times he's helped me. I thought about when he told me to open up, and to talk to him. I haven't been opening up to him. I've been hiding myself from him, and everyone else. Including myself. Due to the fact that I always wear make up, no one has ever saw the real face that lies underneath. Even when chris and I fell asleep together, I had on make up. After every shower I take, I put on my make up.

I washed out all the dye from my hair, and scrubbed the make up from my face.

After finishing my shower, I look at myself in the mirror, staring at my naked face, and my naturally colored hair. I took out my spider bites, and I dried off myself and put on my clothes and then dashed to my room, throwing my dirty clothes in the hamper. I grabbed something from my purse that I haven't used since I was 14, and I slowly walked to chris's room. His lights were off but I could see the outline of his body. He was sitting on the bottom of his bed, then he slowly leaned back and lied down. I stepped in, closing the door, so that it was completely dark.

"Liz, what are you doing?"

"opening myself up to you...showing you the real me....if you love me....you'd accept the real me and not the girl with the winged eyeliner, and dark eyeshadow or dyed hair,"

"okay..."

"here goes nothing..."

I clicked on the lights.