Edited: 4/19/17
~
It was almost unbelievable. It was impossible.
You got into a car crash and now you're in a coma. It came to a point wherein we all believe you're a goner. You weren't waking up, you didn't show any sign of waking up and even the doctors believed your time would be near. I didn't believe them, I held your hand everyday, talking to you like you were awake, like you had your eyes open.
Like you were alive.
Shut up. He is alive.
Is he?
He is. It's impossible that he isn't.
What if he never wakes up?
He will. He's a strong man and everyone knows that.
Although..what if he never wakes up? What if he leaves just like that? No goodbyes, no hugs, no kissing, no last laugh or smile, no last joke. Just like that? I knew it could happen. Everyone did too. I just didn't want to think about it too much or its possibility because..well..I don't want to lose you. I want to stand at the altar with you and you only. I don't want to spend my life with anyone else.
I'm all alone in this room, I brought you flowers and a balloon that's your favorite color. I used to feel like you were here and I never felt lonely. But now, I feel like you're actually gone. I feel like I'd have to let your hand go. I knew it had to come. The time where I'd have to watch your chest lift up and down until it doesn't anymore, where I'd see everyone in black, where I'd eat breakfast at the table alone. Where I would have to live the rest of my life alone.
That's not true, I have the others. But..we all knew it wasn't complete.
I squeezed your hand. This is probably going to be the last time I'll ever touch your soft hands, the same hands who held mine and made me happy. I'll never feel your arms around me and feel safe. I'll never get to see you smile or hear one of your stupid jokes. I'll never wake up with you next to me.
I had to get out. I had to start forgetting. I knew it would be impossible but I have to start now.
I let out a shaky breath and my vision was blurring up. Don't cry. You have to stay strong.
You aren't dead yet. But we all knew you..you would have to be in a better place soon. I wouldn't be able to handle that properly, I wouldn't be able to act tough even how hard I try. I wouldn't smile happily and nothing would ever be the same. I wanted to be with you forever but if I have to..I'll have to.
I pay no mind to the tears that slowly fell from my eyes, I covered my mouth and sat their, holding your hand and crying softly. If only this wasn't the scene. If only we were back home, laying on the couch and watching tv. If only I was making snacks and you were picking the movie. If only we were in bed thinking about random things and laughing at ourselves.
If only you opened those eyes one more time.
I had to stop. It was time to accept the fact you'd be gone soon. I would have faith, I would stick around much longer but you won't support the thought of you being alive. And I won't get mad at you, we shouldn't.
I slowly began to pull away, I slowly began to let go of your hand, slowly began to fall into a hole I'd never wanted to fall in.
But then you squeezed my hand.
