L'envers poétique de la vie/ The Other Side of Life's Medal

For S

For S, for years, I thought that this could maybe work out
but I know how broken I am
even, in the improbable event of you liking me back
I'd always ask you if you'd leave me
or if it'd work out
telling myself that you're already finding me weird
creeped up by behaviours I kinda regret
and I'm getting tired of waiting for you
for an answer
for a stupid "Hey"
for a vague hint that could give me hope
for not giving anyone a chance except for you.

I'm almost ready to get over you
you won't need a letter explaining that I once crushed on you
because it's irrelevant anymore
I don't love you that much anymore
I can look at you talk to my friends
and I'm glad they're talking to you
because they need love too
especially with all of my bullshit
and I need to find my own reasons to stay
stay hoping for hints that don't exist
now, I'm happy you were
the source of a conflict
which lead me to leave Him behind
so thank you for indirectly helping me out of a corrupted relationship
I'm thankful for the fact that you gave slight hope to someone who, at that exact time, had none
enjoy your life
enjoy cegep
enjoy life.

Yeah, I know I tried pushing you away
as much as they tried
and laughed
you filled a hole I had
to replace it with what some call "extreme devotion"
devotion to what I thought was a lost cause.

Until...
Until I had the guts to go ask you out
because guys nowadays can't get a clue
we lost the whole charm
of asking a girl out to dance or to go out with
too scared that they're gonna get rejected
so they stay alone, like solitary wolves
waiting for a female to get out of the pack
and get a change of passing down their genes in a one-night stand
because maybe I'm more comfortable with myself than ever before
I'm starting to know who I am to myself.

I did go out with you
after what I thought was the best day ever
because you actually said that we should hang out, muttered a couple words and left with your parents
and we did hang-out
we did talk
the first question on your mind was what I did with the stupid video I had taken of you
you did say we should each other another time
but the truth is
I don't think there is gonna be a next time
you've ignored me for more than ten days
left me on the infamous "seen"
then reappeared, sending me an emoji
not a word
just an emoji.

Honestly, when you finally have what you so desired for many years
crushed for
envied others
you don't want it that much anymore
especially when it starts off a little cold
I won't change myself so you can love me
I didn't even love you that much after some time
too worried that I wouldn't be loved back as myself
too busy trying to understand myself and to recuperate after a difficult year
too far deep into something else to start something brand new.

Congratulations, I've loved you
you've inspired me for a lot of my works
but it's time I let you go
I don't want to put you through the demons I'm fighting
I feel too vulnerable
too sensitive
a word too much, and it's simply checkmate
I fall off the grid like the king.

For S, all I want to say is sorry.