L'envers poétique de la vie/ The Other Side of Life's Medal

My Family

My family is fucking broken
I grew up in a household full of hate
I never saw what was a loving relationship
I never knew that
my parents almost never kissed
there was no love
just hate
and disagreement
I grew up in that
I never had a model of what was actually love
my grandparents from the side of my dad
they hate each other
it's more than toxic
they didn't divorce because of their old age
and we never saw my grandparents from my mom's side kiss
they just seemed chill
they didn't fight at all
but there was a lack of loving relationship models.

My dad is two faced
and he has what they call
"overattachment"
which means that when he's a relationship
it's hard for him to get out of it
even when it's toxic
that's why he stayed with my mom for a while
But despite being a good person
well it depends when
he's two faced
most of the time he's nice
really friendly
but sometimes he gets mad
for stupid things
for stupid reasons
and it scares me
I'm almost major
I'm not the kid who was beaten
for not saying I took a bag of chips without asking for permission
but he still scares me
he's blind to everything
and he really wants to get better as a person
I see it
said he wanted to help others
because we were "now okay" and that he "wanted to help the world"
He's blind
But he can't even fix himself first
and he doesn't stop preaching about religion
or some thing or some article
he's two faced
which makes him
hard to trust
really
really hard to trust
and he was beaten as a kid too
he told me that
cause he had to write a letter to his dad
for some advancement conference
and he had to say this
and he doesn't even realize that he did it to me too
repeating the cycle
but it's hard to say to someone
that they hurt you
it's always easier to tell them that they messed up
than that they hurt you.

My mom is still pissed by the fact that my dad divorced her
she is that annoying person on Facebook
who posts about
"You don't need nobody else"
or that in three words, she can be described by some website as
"Strong, Independent and Able to Do Everything"
it's annoying
fucking annoying
it's been two years
move on please
this wasn't meant to be
it never was
anyway it wasn't fun growing up with her as a mom
it seemed like her Ipad was more important than us
and she was depressed
I found it out when I searched through the pharmacy
I was a curious child
now she's got PTSD
I didn't even know about it
I learnt it when I went to go get my prescription
after my wisdom teeth removal surgery
she was talking to a college
I happened to be there
it seems like my mom never works
she's been so many times
hurt for this
hurt for that
work accident here
work accident there
but it didn't make her more present in my life.

My brother is still young
he needs help at school
he needs a lot of attention
he has got ADHD
and I'd be surprised if he
finished high school
he's not into deep conversations
or conversations at all
he's still adjusting to the school tranfer
so he has to fit in
But growing up
he needed help
a lot more help than me
which meant that he got the attention
when his grades started to go downhill
the attention level I got
downgraded too
I was already mature enough to do my own homework
in fourth grade
without needing anyone to check on me.
Sometimes I hate him
he is fucking stupid
and annoying
but we almost never fight
he woke me up when I had barely 5 hours of sleep in my body
or when I was just tired of school
yeah I barely sleep
I'm tired and I sleep some 10-12 hours during the weekends
he has woken me up too many times to count
it seems like his brain didn't develop yet
Sometimes I find him useless
he comes back from school at like 2
so he has time to finish all of his homework
but he never finishes it
and rather plays on his Ipad
this device seems like it tore my family apart for all of my life.
He's got the most flawed logic
ever
he's still dumb enough to put some Scott Towel in the toilet
at his age
and he wants to loose weight
but he eats like a pig.
So then he wanted to be at my dad's house more often than my mom's
which made my mom cry
to be honest I wanted to leave this family
but I didn't say so to the advocate.

So where am I in all of this
I don't know
I'm broken too
but it's okay
I'll leave as soon as I get the chance to do so.

-M.B