Falling Apart

Chapter 14

We’re lying in Jug’s bed in the trailer. Nick had to go to New York for a few hours and since it’s just two hour car ride away, he’ll be back soon. Jug is holding me in his arms, both of us just thinking.
“Juggie,” I say after a few minutes of silence. He looks at me and furrows his brows, seeing that I'm hurt. His eyes reflect back my feelings. “I’m scared.”
“Why?” he asks softly, looking worried.
“The surgery,” I tell him quietly, looking down at my hands. “It’s the next weekend. Nick said he'll stay, but I told him to go back to LA.” He waits until I finish the story and keeps the silence, only stroking my hair. I turn to look up at him, with the tears in my eyes. “Will you come with me?” I ask quietly, my voice breaking on come.
He sighs. “Baby, of course I'll come with you,” he says softly and presses his lips against my hairline, my tears dropping on his bare chest.
“Thank you,” I whisper and rest my head onto his chest, trying to stop the crying.
“Can I ask you something?” he asks softly. I nod, not looking up at him. “Do you feel guilty?” I tense up a little. “You’ve told me that you're angry and scared and confused, but… Do you think it's your fault?”
I gulp and stay quiet for a few seconds before answering, knowing the answer. “Yeah.”
So now he spends more than an hour explaining to me, why I am not guilty and why I shouldn't feel bad or like I'm a murderer (my words).

“Do you agree with that?” the social worker asks me. We're still at Pop's, she's sitting in the other side od the booth, facing us.
I nod eagerly. “Obviously.” The deal is; Nick is gonna be my legal guardian, but he'll keep living in LA and coming here in every few weeks for a couple of days. He's gonna pay for everything I need, but basically I'll live alone in my home. The house was mom's, and turns out it's now mine and my brothers' not my dad's.
“Mr. Cooper, you'll have to pay for all the house charges, all the school trips, all the food.”
Nick nods. “Have been doing it for a while now,” he murmurs to me and I smile a little. Not only will I get free from all the pain and torture, I will be able to decide for my own, live alone and get to see my brother like twice a month. This couldn't get any better.

I knock on Jug's trailer's door. I wait for a few seconds and then Jellybean opens it. She smiles as she sees me. “Hi,” she smiles.
“Hi,” I smile back and she lets me in.
“He’s studying.” I chuckle at that and nod, going into their room and closing the door behind me.
“Hey,” I say quietly, smiling. Jug is on his bed sitting on the edge. He has books on his lap and is taking notes. He looks up at me and smiles.
“Hey,” he says and wraps his arm around me as I sit next to him. “How was it?”
I shrug. “Better than I thought.”
“Yeah?” he asks with a smile. “And… you're gonna keep going there?” he asks. He's never said to me that I have to do anything, not even go to a therapist, but I know he'd be so much calmer if I did.
I nod, “I think so, I think it'll help me.” He smiles and kisses my cheek softly. I push my sneakers off and climb onto his bed, lying down, my head resting on his soft pillow. He smiles at me and looks back at his homework.
“You're studying on Saturday,” I tell him.
“Well someone has to do it,” he touches my nose with his index finger, making me smile big. “I’m getting ideas for my essay.”
My eyes go wide. “Essay? When?”
“Don't worry, I don't think the teacher is gonna make you do it,” he says softly.
“They all know?” I ask quietly.
“Only the teachers. Kids have theories but none of them are true. And you don't have tell anyone anything either,” he says.
“I have to tell Veronica and Kevin something. I've been ignoring then for all week,” I say.
“Well, they're your friends, you can tell them at least, no?” he asks, lying down next to me and wrapping me up in his arms.
“Somebody needed to study,” I smile.
“You’re distracting,” he says, snuggling his face into the crook of my neck. I chuckle and pull off his beanie. If anyone else would to it, he'd kill them. But he lets me. I start running my fingers through his hair and playing with it.
“Nick's gonna leave the day after tomorrow,” he says into my neck, making me shiver as his hot breath touches my cold skin.
“Yeah… But he'll be back in a few weeks,” I say. Right now he's signing the papers to be my ‘guardian'.
He pulls his head out of my neck now and I kiss his forehead as he lets me rest my head onto his biceps. “You really love him, you know that?”
I nod. “So much… I miss the others.”
“You’ll see them soon, don't worry,” he says quietly. If they do wanna come, this ‘soon’ is like in 4 years.