My Girl (Jonathan Toews)

40

Alexis

With the regular season just around the corner I enjoy the preseason Blackhawks games as much as I can knowing that once training for me picks up I won't be able to enjoy them like I can now. So I pull on my Jonathan Toews jersey as does Kimberly and we head on over to the UC. She always like to get there early enough to see him warm up and bang on the glass until he smiles at her. Patrick loves to come over and mess with her before he flips her a puck, it was so cute.

During the preseason the normal starters, such as Jonathan, doesn't travel to away games. They just do the home ones. And I know that I was bound to be alone a lot more often than I would like, but I'm sure I'll find something to keep me busy in his absence. I don't do all too well by myself so hopefully I can find something to keep my mind busy once he starts to leave and Kimberly is in school.

But in he mean time I was going to enjoy having him around all the time. So I grab Kimmy's hand and walk around for a little. We find our spots by the Blackhawks bench where a lot of the other friends and family sat. It's great to be back in the UC with such a incredible atmosphere. Although I prefer figure skating, ice hockey was pretty great too, the fans will let you know that.

We start to head to our seats and I see a few people from last year already hanging out. They wave us over and I start to head there.

As I walk over to our friends I see the last thing in this entire world I ever wanted to see. I see my parents standing down where we usually sit looking for someone. And I imagine that someone is me and my sister.

"Mommy" Kimberly asks as our mothers eyes finds us. I stand frozen in the isle as they start to walk over. My grip on my sister tightens as they get closer and closer. I move her behind me so my parents had to talk to me before they ever try to hurt Kimmy.

"Oh sweetie, we've been trying to find you for the longest time" my mom says as she opens her arms. I avoid her hug as I move to the side so she couldn't touch me. I didn't want here anywhere near me, let alone hugging me.

"Don't you dare try to touch me" I whisper and her usual kind face flies away.

"Don't be like this" she demands.

"Are you serious right now" I scoff. "You've been gone from my life for almost five years. Not so much as a call or a email or a "How do you do." You left me in a apartment with my toddler sister with a torn ACL and a broken heart. You guys left me to fend for me and my sister knowing I had never worked a day in my life or even paid a bill, I had to fight for every meal and I nearly got raped trying to take care of her.

And now you magically show up again and want to hug and forget that you gave up on us? You got a lot of nerve" I say nearly yelling.

"I am your mother and you will not talk to me in such a way" she gasps.

"You are not my mother" I grumble.

"I have a birth certificate that says differently" she claims.

"That piece of paper doesn't mean shit. A piece of paper will not tell me who I am and who I am to you. After what you put us through you guys are dead to me" I spit.

"What did you want us to do? Watch everything we invested in get thrown away while you were laying on a couch? You wouldn't skate again and your father and I gave up everything for you, we didn't have much of a choice" she defends.

"Leaving your children behind to fend for themselves is never a choice in my book. I get you were mad at me, I don't like it but I get it... but Kimberly? She didn't do anything wrong. She was three, she needed you in the worst ways. I was in no shape to take care of her and you were. That was a shitty move on your part" I argue.

"You were her hero, we couldn't separate you two" she claims.

"Oh... so leaving us both to die was the better option" I ask.

"You weren't going to die. You were a smart girl, we knew you could figure it out" she insists.

"I was 19, I shouldn't have been trying to work two jobs and still keep my sister alive. I shouldn't have avoided the ice like it was the plague when it was the one thing I needed to be whole again. I tore myself down trying to be a mother and a father and a sister all at once. I was low and I didn't think I could have gotten lower and then the next day I did. I lost everything I loved in the matter of months. And where were you" I ask.

"We were around. We were rooting for you" she claims and I laugh.

"Is that supposed to make me feel better" I snap.

"No. I just..." she trails off.

"What do you want from me" I ask.

"We want to be in your life again. Both of you" she claims. I just shake my head as I pull Kimberly into my side.

"We are doing just fine without you now. It wasn't easy, in fact at one point it was so hard that I didn't want to do anything ever again. But we had each other and that was enough for me. You guys, you weren't there when it was hard so you're sure as hell aren't going to be here when it's easy" I insist.

"Then we're just going to take Kimberly back" she claims and I gasp.

"Over my dead body" I say.

"She's still technically ours" my mother reminds me.

"And if you take me to court to get her away from me you'll have to tell them that you left us. You left without a word and never once came back until it was convenient for you. They'll never let you take her" I say.

"We can try" she argues.

"Do it. I have been waiting for you to come back so I could have some closure. So I could see that I wasn't as worthless as you made me out to be. So I can finally move on from the same thing that's had a hold on me since you left that day. And I would love for the judge to tell me everything I've been telling myself since I stepped back out on that ice."

She stares at me as I stand my ground. She's never seen me do that before. It used to be "Yes mam" and the occasional "no mam", never anything like this.

"You used to control me. Even though you weren't here I kept asking what was wrong with me that made you leave. Why was me without skating not enough for you? How come I'm not enough for you" I ask her.

"You were. We just... we couldn't sit around and watch it all go to waste. You were everything and all the sudden we had nothing, we were scared. We couldn't stand seeing you like that. All laid up in bed with your skating career hanging on a thread like a ligament in your knee" she explains.

"And don't you think that you should have been there for me? You left everything you worked for, you left everything to die in that apartment... why" I whisper. Tears start to come into my eyes as I see her stare at me.

"There's not a good enough reason" she admits as I nod.

"That's what I thought" I say. I grab Kimberly and brush pass her. She tries to reach out for Kimmy but she runs behind me. Although she was young she knows what happens and that our parents haven't been here. And she knows that we don't deserve to be here now.

"Don't think that she doesn't remember you or remember that you left us. She asked for you every fucking day for three years but she stopped asking after a while. She realized that all she had was me and that would have to be enough. Don't think she hasn't forgot" I snap.

"I'm sorry" she says as a tear reached her cheek.

I'm sure she was sorry and I'm sure she wish she could undo everything. But the bottom line is she can't. She had her chances but now she can't. There isn't a thing she could say or do that would change my mind.

"Yeah mom... me too."