We Are Infinite

t h i r t y - s i x

m i a  /  t h I r t y - s i x

I wait as he continues. The silence in my car is comfortable, and I can tell he feels it too. There's so much I want to tell him, but I wait, knowing that he needs the space to think, of what he's going to say next.

"I guess how some people need drugs, need alcohol, fighting was it for me."

I notice it straight away. The use of his past tense. Was, instead of is. As if fighting doesn't work for him anymore. I want to ask him about it, but something tells me not to. He says it, however, before I ask.

"I don't need it anymore. I don't need to fight. I . . . found my distraction in something else." Kade lifts his eyes until they meet mine, and my breath is taken away yet again. His usually dark eyes are bright, so bright.

He's so damn beautiful.

There's a part of me that wants to tell him that I never knew that I needed a distraction too, but now that I've found it, I do.

He's my distraction. My drug. Kade Ryder is what makes everything fade until it's just background noise.

It's on the tip of my tongue; everything in me is telling me to say it, but I don't. I don't know what he meant by him finding another distraction. There's no way that I could know that he means me. That I am his distraction. Am I?

I'm just a coward, afraid of rejection. So afraid. What if he means something else?

But the look in his eyes are telling me otherwise.

I open my mouth, about to say it, and then I stop. Again. I can't do this to Kade Lawson just yet. I can't.

And so I abruptly change the subject. "How's things with your parents?"

Kade sighs, and I hate myself for ruining his mood like this. "I don't know. I haven't seen them at all since . . . that day." He turns to me now, his eyes conflicted, "Mia? Do you enjoy cheerleading?"

It's like a wake up call. The surprise that he's heard about it hits me like a ton of bricks. The way I lower my eyes to the ground, at my hands, says that I'm guilty, and there's nothing that I can say to make it seem otherwise.

"No . . . why?"

"I heard you'd joined the cheer squad." This is a statement, but he says it as if it's a question, and I'm stumped for an answer.

"Yeah." I stare at my hands, not knowing what else to say. The truth is, I don't like cheerleading. It's not me. But at the same time, I want to be . . . accepted. Not only by Kade Lawson, but everyone else at the popular table as well. There's more to life than wanting to fit in, and God knows I hate myself for being the typical cliché. It's not me, but something about the way the cheerleaders eyes swept over me like a wave; their lips a curl of disgust when they saw me.

And then the way they'd looked at me when I'd tried out for cheerleading, the acceptance in their eyes. Kade's face when he heard that I was accepted.

When Kade speaks, his voice is a low growl, "Mia. I don't like the way he treats you."

Damn.

Why do I find this incredibly hot?

I turn to Kade, and when my eyes meet his, my walls crumble. And so I tell him. I ignore the fact screaming at me about how much damn hotter he is when he's pissed off. I speak my mind, without even thinking, telling him things I've never said out loud before. An hour passes like this, and before long, Dad calls.

My voice is loud, too loud in the silent car, when I answer, I tell Dad that I'll be home soon. Hanging up the call, I turn to Kade, and he sighs, "It's late. You should go."

"Yeah. Kade. I'll see you . . . around."

"Not if I see you first." Kade smiles at me, his voice low, husky, and when he steps out of the car, into the rainy night, I feel myself falling.

I think about him all the way home.

. . .

Dad isn't angry at all, that I'm home later than my curfew. It could be because of the fact that I'd let him know where I was, or . . . something else. He seems unusually happy, and I stare at him for two minutes straight when he asks me if I want to go out for a coffee.

"Um, Dad? I just came home late. On a school night. And you're asking me if I want to go out again?"

"It's okay, darling. I'll just go on my own." Dad smiles at me fondly, patting my head gently. "Did you do your homework?"

I nod my head, in a haze. I watch as Dad leaves the house, and I go up to my bedroom. Thinking damn, what has my life become? Dad's happy. Going out for coffee on a weekday, at this hour? Kade Lawson. Cameron Black. Kade Ryder and everything about him. The upcoming prom. What I've got to do tomorrow.

. . .

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