Rockabye

Why Did It Have To Be Me?

When you were lonely, you needed a man
Someone to lean on, well I understand
It's only natural
But why did it have to be me?
Nights can be empty and nights can be cold
So you were looking for someone to hold
That's only natural
But why did it have to be me?

Joe didn't stop protesting when Ben first offered to move in with him. He didn't stop when the blond sold his loft on the upper east side, claiming that all the money he got for the place was stashed away in a trust fund for their daughter. He also donated his designer clothes to Hospital for Special Surgeries and Joe groaned that Ben must be a robot to drop his entire life as a rich fuckboy Brit living down to live in a pathetic downtown two-bedroom apartment with a slightly above the average pregnant man.

Ben brushed off the ginger's whines because he knew that Joe just didn't believe his intentions were true. He rarely did since entering Joe's life. And he had every right to. Most baby daddies left or only took their younglings on the weekends. But that wasn't Ben. It would never be Ben.

He didn't want to turn into his parents. Parents who had children on accident and put them in the hands of others. Ben could count on one hand how many times his mother was home to read him a bedtime story as a child or the times when his father would give him tips and tricks on how to be a young man. Instead, Ben was in the hands of others. He was given everything he wanted because his parents had the money to do. But he didn't want it. He wanted them just to say something other than, "See you next week."

And then Claire was born. Ben was 12. No one would believe that Ben raised her but he did. His parents forgot multiple times to hire a babysitter and witness Ben on multiple occasions, making himself meals and care for his wash, so they guessed that qualified him for parenting.

So, there he was, at the age of 12, changing his sister's diapers and giving her late-night bottles. In secondary school, he'd work on his coursework as he simultaneously potties trained her. He would read her bedtime stories that he picked up from his school's library and read them before finishing up a school project on the solar system.

He felt like a proud father when she started primary school. It did give him a break in his last year of college. He wasn't so tired every single day because he knew she was being cared for. He still packed her lunch - a cheese sandwich with graphs in a bag shaped like a butterfly. He'd redo her pig-tails every morning and kiss her forehead, telling her to come out smarter than him.

And just as he was gaining his energy back from the constant juggling of being a full-time parent and a full-time student, Claire's energy started to decline. Quickly.

Ben's parents ignored it at first. They claimed that they saw no difference but they weren't around her enough to notice the slight changes in her complexion or her loss of dexterity when she drew Benny a pretty picture by the water.

Childhood cancer. By the time it was found in her system, she had six months. The doctors told the family that it was so advanced that it was better to enjoy the time they had left with her. Ben remembered his parents showing an ounce of sadness for the first time in his life. He felt selfish for a moment, wishing that they could have once shown him such emotions but instead, he pushed his emotions far down. So far down that, days after his sister's funeral, Ben was hospitalized. He couldn't breathe. Couldn't remember where he was.

The doctors called it a severe panic attack, onset by his sister's death. His parents did not visit him. The doctors prescribed some pills but Ben threw them away right when he released. Back at home, with his parents, of course, not home, he began to pack. He had some set of valuables of his own but he didn't forget Claire's Woody doll or the bracelet he bought with his allowance on her fifth birthday - a gold bracelet with an infinity sign. "Benny...how much you love me?" She would ask every night, holding her Woody tight as Ben sat with another borrowed goodnight tale, "To infinity and beyond" He cooed, leaning over to tossel her blond locks before she fell asleep on his lap. Infinity. It felt like poison on his lips when he said such a word after her passing. Her time on Earth was so short.