Rockabye

Beautiful Boy (Part One)

Joe had always wanted children, always dreamed of having a big family. He blamed the old fashioned side of him, growing up in an Italian-American household where every Christmas and birthday was spent with dozens of cousins and aunts and uncles. That stopped over the years, with just his mom and siblings by his side to ring in the new year, but the feeling still remained.

As he got older and he remained single, Joe began to doubt if he'd ever had the life his parents had. That white-picket-fence with two-point-five kids and a dog with a pretty wife by his side. And in the end, he never did get that. He had a dog, but no fence. No pretty wife but instead a beautiful husband and currently, only one child.

They had discussed it a time or two when Clara was playing with her cousins or interacting with kids in the park. She would be a wonderful big sister. How could she not be? She was raised by two men who were amazing big brothers. They wanted to wait for the right amount of time, for Clara to mature a bit and get out of the baby-stage of things.

And then tragedy struck.

Joe always knew his husband was sensitive. He had this look about him that made him seem far more intimidating than he truly was. Resting-Ben-Face as he called it. Not so much bitchy or uninterested, but rather that he just looked so above it all. That wasn't the case in the least. Ben was a guaranteed "Soft Boi" who just wanted to be there for the ones he loved. Bit of a "Superman Complex" they had realized, always wanting to be the hero, always wanting to be the one that saved the day. He didn't want recognition, but rather just the knowledge that he would always be there if the ones he loved needed him most.

Joe tried to help him with that any which way he can but there was only so much one man could do. And when that phone call came and Ben fell hard from that pedestal he had placed himself onto, Joe did everything in his power to be there for him.

Ben had agreed to stay at the ward overnight. Not because he felt like he was going to do anything, but how could he go home and face his little girl like this? Ben felt as if he wasn't only letting himself down, but Joe and Clara too. To Ben, he thought they needed him to be as strong as ever, all the while that wasn't even remotely the case.

Joe knew what weakness looked like and asking for help was the farthest example. They talked long and hard about it when they went home. He allowed his husband to unwind and settle with their daughter before going back into the conversation and making serious decisions about what the next step would be. Ben agreed to see a therapist. It was scary at first; he hadn't spoken to anybody about his issues before. He felt like a freak, opening up those past wounds that he tried so very hard to staple closed. The first time was a nightmare, with him refusing to go into full detail about how

he felt. Joe didn't put any more pressure onto him than needed but reminded him that he wasn't going to move past any of his issues if he didn't open himself up to them.

The second time around was better. He allowed that wall he fought so hard to build be chipped away piece by piece and by the third visit, the dam finally broke. When Joe came around to pick him up, Ben was a sobbing mess, having finally allowed the doctor to get way down deep inside of him. He never felt better, he claimed.

Joe had always been a gentle soul and fully believed that sometimes a good cry was all you really needed. He would never say that Ben didn't allow himself to cry, but never for the right reasons. Tears of happiness came often, but he'd never cry for the sake of crying. Never for himself anyway. Now the truth was out there and Ben was finally allowing himself to heal properly. Accepting the things that his parents had done were unforgivable and that cutting them off was the best action for him.

Joe wasn't sure if they would ever come back into their lives, but he knew very well that it wouldn't matter. They weren't welcome in their lives and that was that. It had been two months later when the thought popped up back in his head. They were at the park together, having a bit of a picnic. Clara was sitting on the grass, playing with Frankie. The two were inseparable, just as Ben had planned. They were playing a lazy game of fetch since the toddler could only throw so far. Ben and Joe watched from the bench, utterly enthralled by the seen.