I think I'm losing my mind.
xxx
Here's the part where I kind of pity myself.
I'm strong, yes but not that strong where I could stand strong without being dependent to someone. I kind of always find myself so desperate to find freedom where I could only worry about myself and not worry about pleasing others who doesn't even deserve my time and effort.
Yes, I could always help but only to those who are willing to do anything just to renew their lives from despair and not for some kind of self pleasure only because with those kind of people I can relate myself to them and maybe together we could work everything out.
I hate that I'm the only one who's seeing the human value. I hate that people easily conclude that, 'This is life, so be it.' because I strongly disagree that life works this way. We're the one who's living in this earth so definitely there's a way in which we could do something to not wake up and hate ourselves all over again. Yes, if we look at the bright side and think positive we could always survive our days but that doesn't work to all of us. We grow up differently. We grow up by different systems and we definitely grow up by different views in life and actually have our own beliefs.
So this means that I'm always work up on how to fix myself if I always live in a forceful life. I always know that we could fix this but I guess many kind of not know how.
Common thing is, start with little to simple things because we kind of always imitate what others would show us.
xxx
"Del, we need to roam around this time. The lunch break will start in five minuets, make sure to inform other student council members by your grade level." Our chairwoman personally informs me. We're going to do some check ups because we kind of having some problems with the other students here. Which they would secretly informs us that some students here are breaking rules frequently since our last check up. I guess we're so busy with the other activities to kind of slip this out in our minds.
I nod and spoke a few words with her before doing what was being ordered.
First we have this simple drill in which students in their classroom are asked to form their lines outside the classroom. Then will proceed on dividing our each group of student council members into two. One to check up their uniforms and bodies which is strictly done by a girl checking up the girls and a boy checking up on the boys and the other group is to go inside the classroom and check their bags and basically the classroom itself.
Many would throw some jokes just to cover their lies or just to have some fun. When someone is caught for breaking the policy, a strict punishment or fair warnings are to be faced.
xxx
When I came home from work I felt exhausted and dead inside so I didn't know I fell asleep immediately. I didn't even fix myself first and do some chores. I promise myself to rest for a while but I guess I'm knocked out.
When I woke up I look up and see outside my window the night sky. I sigh and kind of punch my head slightly. I have some projects due tomorrow and I'm so fucking nervous about it.
Oh, and some 'easy quiz', that's what she said.
Instead of standing up I just stare space out at my hands and after a long minuets passed by I eventually slap myself and curse some more before moving my ass off the bed.
Great, now I have some plates and other utensils to be washed. I wonder who fixed the other bedroom.
Kind of family bedroom.
I heard the other room opened and closed when I start soaking the sponge in the liquid soap.
"Del?" My mom's foot steps squeaked on the stairs making the silent kitchen around me not so silent anymore.
I turned my head to look up tiredly and stare at her questioningly.
"Why aren't you in bed yet?, it's like quarter to two already in the morning."
I stare at her like she lost her mind.
"Ma, I kind of have some things to finish so sleeping won't really help me right now. It's like making me nervous more." I didn't tell her immediately about my unattended projects because she'll surely do the washing if I did and I don't want her doing all the work because if anyone deserves more time to rest here, it's her.
She kind of argue with me but decided to stop since she's busy ironing our uniforms. I heave a sigh after all the washing and turned my gaze to see my mom snoring softy on the sofa.
See, she's more than tired than us.
xxx
I walk through tho halls with my hood covering half of my face and barely opening my eyes. I fall asleep again when I'm finishing my second project which requires a lot of time since it involves a lot of coloring and creativity but thankfully I'm on my way on finishing it with a few touches that I decided to do in the classroom.
Maybe our teacher would be in good mood today and not bite my head off for doing it on her time.
I bumped into a few students before reaching the classroom. Since I kind of had a few minutes, really few I decided to lay my head on the desk and rest my big eye bags of an eye.
xxx
I'm seriously failing on this subject. I forgot to study this shit (quiz).
Think positive, meh. No.
Well, food would help but I don't think I deserved delicious foods right now. Guess I'll punish myself. I like it this way so I won't think about being a waste of space in this, this shitty life.
No, seriously. It's not really shitty but today becomes shitty so yeah. Give me break in explaining things I kind of think I'm the only one who understands.
